I think we all do that when we are down @utopia - it is so much harder to fight off the negative thoughts when we don't have the energy. I know you feel like you want to eliminate all memories of him from your mind but there is history there also that you shared that has helped shape the person you are - that you cannot eliminate - and that side of you is lovely and caring - and that you need to hold onto my beautiful cocky friend  It is the heartbreak you have felt for something that you wanted but could not have that needs to dealt with. That is not anyone's 'fault' because you truly wanted him to be happy and wanted to help him. In doing that though you kept putting yourself 'on the line' and got nothing in return - it is hard in those times to recognise that such a relationship is harmful to oneself and to move on. What that time also showed me was that you do have the most beautiful heart and compassionate soul - not everyone would choose to continue to want to help someone who doesn't seem to want to help themselves - so hang onto that my friend - and remind yourself everyday that you haven't lost a friend - you have gained more insight into yourself.