@CheerBear wrote:
Linehan touches on theory that suggests "emotional distress is due to secondary responses (eg., intense shame, anxiety or rage) to primary emotions". I am not 100% clear on this yet, however I'm assuming that these secondary responses may be largely due to invalidating/unsupportive/punishing responses to a person's expression of emotion, by others (particularly significant others), from within their environment.
Hi @CheerBear, I really like this idea that a lot of distress is due to secondary responses. This is one area in which I really have got a better handle on things now than I did in years gone by. Feelings are feelings and they are ok. It is ok to be sad or angry. It saddens me when I see people in Forum Land telling themselves that they "shouldn't" feel a certain way and that they are angry or ashamed for feeling what they feel. I totally agree with you that these messages stem from a history of being told by others that whatever the person is feeling is somehow wrong.
I think a really good example of this is the way in which I experience a-typically intense grief. In a bazillion instances over the years, I have been shamed for this and told that I'm over-reacting etc. In contrast, when CherryBomb left Forum Land, @NikNik, @Former-Member @Former-Member and @Former-Member provided (and continue to provide) a huge amount of support around that. The attitude I experienced from them was that my grief simply is what it is and we will work through it as it is. This has made SUCH a difference to the way I have been able to process the loss. I know that my level of grief over CherryBomb's leaving is atypical. But that's all it is - atypical. It isn't wrong or bad. And having people be able to sit with me in it, rather than complicate it with secondary feelings of shame, has made it a vastly different experience compared to the bazillion other losses I have had in my life.
I wonder if anyone else has any examples of how sitting with feelings and accepting them as they are, has created a different experience compared to if you feel guilty, ashamed etc. for having those feelings?
