Good afternoon DBT-ers, 

It looks like there may have been a little bit of tricky communication happening around here last night. Oh well, that was yesterday and today is today. Yay for being able to start afresh every 24 hours (as opposed to if we lived on Venus, in which case we would have to wait 5832 hours for a new day to begin!). 

@Winterz I'm wondering if perhaps the confusion between us is because you see DBT as focusing more on accepting a situation than on changing it. I totally agree that CBT ignores the whole idea of acceptance. However, I wouldn't say DBT focuses MORE on acceptance than change. Rather, it holds these things in tension - hence the dialectic. For example, Linehan talks about how we should accept that we are totally ok as we are right now, while at the same time, striving for change. The aim of the game isn't to put acceptance ahead of change, or vice versa, but to hold the two in tension.

I confess that I got VERY into DBT when I had to write an essay on it during the clinical psychology subject in my honours year. We had to choose a therapy and critically evaluate it. I super enjoyed delving into the research around DBT and that's what inspired me to buy the treatment manual and the skills training manual and read them for myself. When I get very into something, I do tend to then prattle on about it a lot, so I'm sorry if it felt like I had a "big reaction" to your post. 

@Former-Member I really enjoyed reading your post. I totally hear you about needing to examine our motivations in wanting to take a stand. I also super agree that it is important to stay focused on the problem and not the person. The biggest stand I have ever taken was when I sued the church where I was abused. I tried again and again and again to work it through with the church leadership, but I kept getting a "no comment" response. After one final attempt, I knew I needed to choose between walking away, or commencing legal proceedings. I am very comfortable with the choice I made to sue them. It was so totally not what I wanted. What I wanted was to simply talk and to hear them say "we made a mistake and we are sorry." But given that wasn't possible, I am very ok with what I did. I wasn't angry with them, just very very sad. To me, it was a wrong that needed to be made right. The minister who I sued is the same man who I consider my father-figure. I still send him a birthday, Christmas, and Father's day card every year. The fact that I sued him doesn't negate the fact that I love him. My deepest wish is that one day our relationship will be healed, but I accept there is a near-zero possibility of this happening. 

Taking a stand is SO HARD, and I will never ever understand why people can't simply talk things through. 

Oh by the way @Former-Member, yep, DBT does address conflict resolution. The last module we will do is "interpersonal effectiveness." Given the rate we are moving at, we should get up to that module sometime in the year 2050. 

@Teej Super big thank you for sharing your thoughts. I think maybe we aren't on quite the same page regarding what it means to accept reality (and that's a bazillion percent ok ). In your retail store example, I would see arguing that I shouldn't have to pay, as a failure to accept the reality of needing to pay. Having accepted the reality that I need to pay, my options are then to a) pay and receive the goods, b) not pay and not receive the goods, c) not pay and potentially get arrested for shoplifting. 

Regarding the next bit, yep, I agree the reality could be that a person has been harmed by someone and as you say, we can't turn back time. Then, as you say, the person can choose how they will deal with the situation from that point on. It sounds like we agree there! 

In instances where I have been harmed (e.g. the abuse I experienced at the church), the way people have responded to the harm has been a bigger issue than the harm itself. For me, the fact that the minister told me to "confess any sin involved, then put it behind you and move on" has always been a much bigger issue than the actual act of abuse. I think part of the reason I find this so hard is that this ISN'T something that is in the past. At ANY point, that minister could call me or email me and tell me he is sorry that he responded in that way. That would super help to heal the harm done. Alas, after more than two decades, methinks that is never going to happen. But yeah...I think I find it much harder to accept it when people persistently choose to take a "no comment" stance, because this can always be changed, at any moment, they simply choose not to. For me that is bewildering and heart breaking. We can't undo the past, but we can still take steps to heal it. I will never understand why it seems so hard for people to do that. But it is what it is - and that is what I need to keep working on accepting. I do not understand it, I do not agree with it, but it is what it is.