@Faith-and-Hope The one thing that is keeping me connected here atm and keeping me going is the knowing I have you around to support me and I can hopefully in turn do the same for you. It is so difficult for me to not want to 'run away' and be completely on my own again. I know that is my pattern of behaviour when my life is getting too tough to deal with but I also know that is when I don't care about anything and I become unsafe to myself. I know there are many, many people here that would like to provide this support but I can't ask when I am feeling this way - but with you it is easy  FC  - and I can give as much as I 'take'. I don't have the energy or cannot deal with the struggles of others as much - too many triggers and not in the right headspace to think and respond - that doesn't mean I am not thinking about others - because I am all the time - but I am really trying to stay alive and get through this. Usually I would do it on my own but I know this hasn't had good outcomes for me previously - so please let me know if you need a 'break' from me also. I understand how supporting someone can become personally too much, especially when you have your own 'stuff' to deal with. In saying this - I am definitely here for YOU - and you help me more than you could know with your strength, courage, resilience, compassion and hope. You are one in a million and I love you so much for just being YOU