@CheerBear I feel like I have been totally squashed by a bus...and yet I giggled at your comment about how riding around with a turtle makes you feel less crazy. I am so superly duperly glad I have a not-friend to ride around with.

So...I saw (A) this morning. There is a bit of gradual transitioning that is happening as I make the shift from A to M, hence why I am still seeing her. After today's session, the gradual transition may end up being a bit less gradual!!!!

Hmmm...I was about to pour out the story, but I actually don't think I have the energy to do so. It's just a muddle, a super gigantic painful nothing-has-changed-in-twenty-years muddle. Right now it doesn't even feel like turtle whisperer M can help me unmuddle this muddle. I know that's just a feeling...but then, more objectively, however you look at it we are probably not going to fix the muddle tomorrow are we. Or in next week's session, or the one after that, or the one after that, or even the one after that.

Sometimes I get scared about what an unmuddled Phoenix_Rising even looks like. Sometimes particular situations seem to hit me in the face with the realisation that a whole lot of my muddle is likely due more to me being aspie than it is due to me having BPD. And no amount of therapy in the world is going to change my brain from being aspie to being neurotypical. So...what does a Phoenix_Rising who is "better" look like? I have a horrible feeling that even if every tiny trace of BPD-related muddle could be removed from my brain, I would still spend a large proportion of my life saying "I don't understand" when something that someone says today contradicts something else that was previously said such that the rules of the social situation or whatever simply make no sense to me.

Anyway, I'm going to go and snuggle in my bed and try to sleep off the big feelings. I feel super frustrated because I had a whole lot of things I wanted to do today and yet once again it has all narrowed to Operation Stay Alive.