Yay for a brain that is so broken, it can't actually feel anything!!! I hate me. I am a freak. (A) and I agreed that we will shift our sessions to the phone. If a mental health professional can't sit with me face-to-face in my muddle, how can I ever reasonably expect to be accepted in any workplace??? Is this fixable? Will my turtle whisperer really be able to help me fix my brain enough so that I can manage my big feelings in a way that doesn't completely traumatise everyone around me? Is it actually fixable. Am I actually fixable??? Or is the muddle too deep and too prolonged to ever be fixed now? Will I ever be able to function in a workplace confident that I'm not going to go into crisis, lose my words, have the police called, and end up in a death-by-cop scenario because the police aren't that great at dealing with people in crisis?

I want to give up today. Outside of Forum Land, everywhere I turn the message I consistently hear is "keep away from me." The reality is that no one here in the real world wants me around. The reality is that all anyone wants from me is to stay the hell away from them.

I am a freak. I am demanding and manipulative and utterly selfish and difficult and annoying and exhausting to be with and scary. I am a f*cking irritant. I am a monster. I am f*cking evil. I am a stupid f*cking borderline. I am creepy. I am weird. Fred was right. He was right all along.

I super super super want to die today...but I know it is a feeling and I know that feelings pass. The facts don't change, but the feelings will. At least I'm too depressed and too tired to actually go berserk. How's THAT for a positive reframe.

@Former-Member that is kind-of cool that you decided to go diving today because I have decided to spend the day in my underwater cave (while simultaneously being in @CheerBear's handbag all day). Do you want to sit in my cave with me all day @Former-Member? It has wifi so you can moderate from there. Maybe @Zoe7 will come and visit. Do you remember the way @Zoe7? A thousand miles out from Forum Land, sharp left turn, and then dive alllllllllllllll the way to the bottom of the ocean. I'm going to be playing this song all day in my cave: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aF7yFOlOk9M

Oh and I haven't eagled yet today. I will eagle in my cave. If you eagle @Former-Member I will give you a baby goat. I wonder if @Former-Member eagled last night. She said she was going to.

Super big thank you for sitting with me in my muddle @Former-Member.