Aw - your personal world sounds terrible @Phoenix_Rising - no wonder you prefer an under-water cave - or you struggle with massive waves - 

I am so sad you feel the way you feel - which is valid for you - but not sound and I am sure you understand that - and as badly as you feel you need to leave you are also pretty sure you won't

I dunno what to say Phoenix - I hear you though and wish I could help

Dec