I feel super super super hopeless. The 25th of September is like a sacred day in my world. In my world, this day is 100% about me and my M. This is a day where I sit in quiet contemplation and remember. And I can get through this day just fine. I WAS getting through this day just fine. And then my damn psychologist called!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dealing with (A) feels agonizingly like dealing with Fred. Neither sets out to do harm, and yet both manage to do an amazing amount of harm. HOW could (A) forget that SHE had banned ME from the office. How does that happen? While she was sitting there waiting for me to show up, wouldn't she at some point suddenly go "oh...that's right..." Or maybe as she started to dial my number to see where I was? Is it such a tiny inconsequential detail to her that she has told me I can't come to the office. Does she have ANY idea what it is like knowing that you are so messed up, your psychologist can't stand to have you in her office? Does she have any idea how that fits with the thousand similar messages I've received in the past? Do you know how many people have given me the message of "stay away from me" over the years? They've said it through the AVOs, they've said it through the calls to the police, they've said it through hanging up the telephone, they've said it through returning my letters unopened, they've said it through threatening legal action if I attempt further contact, and they've said it by telling me not to touch them when I seek a hug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can I possibly feel like it is ok being me, when here in the real world, the very loud message is that it ISN'T.

HOW could (A) forget that tinsy tiny detail!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I super super super badly wish I could talk to my turtle whisperer right now. I'm super glad it is only one sleep until I see her. I super badly want to die right now...but I know it is only a wave and it will pass. I was perfectly fine before 8am this morning, on this most sacred day in my world.

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