It would be deeply ironic if I suicided today on this the 20th anniversary of my first attempt wouldn't it. It's just a wave. It's a really really really big wave, but it's just a wave. It will pass. I was FINE before 8am this morning and if I can just stay alive I will be fine again sometime soon. I will see my turtle whisperer tomorrow and that will probably help, even though seeing her also triggers the utter despair around the fact that even as I start with her, we are already searching for therapist-take-thirteen.

I feel utterly hopeless right now, but it will pass. I want to die right now, but it will pass. I feel utterly utterly alone in my muddle.