The ocean feels desperately dark and lonely tonight. 

2017 has gone. Another year that has blurred into the one before, which has blurred into the one before that, which has blurred into the one before that, all the way back to 1996. I simply do not know where the past two decades have gone. What a waste of a life. Distract they say. Listen to music, go for a walk, sit in the garden, etc. etc. etc. But when do we get to the FIXING bit? Distraction is great for helping you to survive, but that's ALL it does. It doesn't FIX anything. How many years and lives are wasted on empty distraction and simply surviving. I feel so utterly invalidated when I hear the same suggestions over and over and over again. When do we get to the FIXING bit???

And now, after being dumped by my turtle whisperer, what does fixing even look like? Nothing can be made out of nothing...and my soul has disintegrated into nothing. I believe that TTT is the right therapist for me...but two days before my first appointment with her, my soul died. I believe TTT is a very good therapist, but I don't believe she is a miracle worker. 

What does "getting better" look like when you have no family, no friends, and no one can actually stand being around you in the real world? What does "getting better" look like when psychologist after psychologist has walked out on you, saying they can't cope with you anymore? What does "getting better" look like when you are 40 years old, the thing you want most in the world is a career, and yet the message you repeatedly receive is that no one wants you around? Yep, the ocean is very very dark tonight. 

I super can't wait for the world to get back to normal. I super can't wait for @NikNik @Former-Member @Former-Member and everyone else to come home to Forum Land. 

Goodbye 2017.