I have a super super super giant wave and I feel utterly utterly hopeless.

HOW could my turtle whisperer dump me two days before I saw TTT. How could my soul die TWO DAYS before I found her!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know my turtle whisperer has absolutely no idea of the harm she has done. 

Yesterday TTT and I were talking about some of the things that Fred used to say. TTT said that it was super wrong for Fred to tell me it was my fault that he would totally lose it at me. She said that this was victim blaming. But I pointed out that my turtle whisperer also couldn't cope with me, and thus dumped me. And how many other people have dumped me over the years!!!! It IS my fault. My turtle whisperer still works with other clients. When I asked her boss if it was appropriate for her to be working with clients if she wasn't coping, her boss told me that it was only ME that she couldn't cope with. It's ME!!!! There is something about me that people simply can't stand to be around. My turtle whisperer couldn't commit to staying with me until the end of January. How awful must I be if she couldn't stand to spend just one hour a week with me for a few more weeks while TTT and I find our way. How can it NOT be my fault that Fred used to totally lose it at me, when my turtle whisperer got burnt out from working with me after FOUR MONTHS. All she had to do was stay. 

I super super super want to die tonight. I super like TTT, but she isn't a magician - even though she sarcastically said "yeah right, because I'm magic" when I told her how my turtle whisperer's boss seemed to brush off the whole issue of my turtle whisperer dumping me with "well you've got TTT now." It's like neither my turtle whisperer or her boss have any idea what it has meant to be dumped by her. 

I'm super glad that TTT gets it. I'm glad she openly showed her disgust that my turtle whisperer would dump me like that. TTT is awesome...but she still isn't a magician and realistically, I can't see there is any way in hell that we are ever going to get anywhere trying to unmuddle my muddle at a rate of 50 minutes a week. 

How could my turtle whisperer make my muddle so much bigger just two days before I met TTT. How can the Universe be so utterly cruel? I super super super wish I had someone I could call tonight. I so very very very badly wish I had someone here in the real world.

I do not matter,

I'm only one person,

Destroy me completely,

Then throw me away.