You get it @Phoenix_Rising and you can hear me. My window went missing when the paper did. Yesterday I went from clinging on to some kind of 'try to feel like I've got this', to 'this has very much got me'. My GP wrote a letter which has my fears in it, stating that they are real and justified. It ends in cautionary words about how they all know what can happen in cases like this. While it felt validating, I worry about those words and what they say about how much I, or anyone, can really ever do to stop what can happen in cases like this. It feels like everyone knows and the best anyone can do when everything else has been done, is stand by with crossed fingers. You heard me say that yesterday.

I can hear you too, and as you say, it comes from a place of having experienced my own version of it. I feel how dark and scary the world is at times and how stuck and lost we can get when the way forward can't be seen. I feel the pain of having been really hurt and having very wrong happen. I feel how incredibly difficult it is to live without being able to control what harms us. I feel the heartbreak of painful, slow, almost-impossible feeling steps being taken in a forward way, only to have things happen that can send us flying back. I get how soul destroying and brain mushing it all is to sit in the place that is back there, and wonder if there's enough inside to even get up again, let alone try to move.

It's not ok for harm to happen and it's so, so wrong. I am with you with that.

I will carry you in my pocket and hold you in my hand. I will hear your words of we've got this when it feels like I don't, and I will remind you of them too. While you carry out operation just-stay-alive today, I will carry out operation in-this-moment-you-are-safe and try very hard not to get frustrated that right now, moment-by-moment is where I am. I need some fish time to help my hurting soul so I am going to try really hard to "be" in that today. They want to visit water and I have a feeling water, fish and turtles are a good match. I also have a feeling my fish like you a lot. They can be great soul medicine and I hope you can feel some of that through my pocket today. We can do today, and the days after today, together-but-not and one day we will change the world (even though right now that seems so far away for me) because we have visited parts of it that are so dark and so scary and so wrong, where so much unnecessary harm is caused.

Hearing you and with you.