Hi @Phoenix_Rising I got so many feels reading your post. I had goosebumps when I read about your moment of sharing TTT with me. Thank you so, so much. I feel so happy for you that you have her and I am really truly impressed by her approach. You worked so hard to find her and that's a huge go you for getting there. I'm really glad you're feeling better after having seen her. 

 

My day was hard again but I had a great couple of hours when the fish, you and I went to the beach. That was definitely my highlight. It took everything I had to get us there and it was worth it. I took some photos of the fish and then they went and played in the water so I took this one for you. 

 

 

It was a funny timing one as I was taking it when your post came through. I wish we were there again. It was so nice. 

 

Unfortunately my not-good but had a good couple of hours day, took another turn when I chose to answer the phone as we were leaving the beach and had an incredibly unhelpful call from my psych, who didn't seem to understand that my window of tolerance went completely missing yesterday and I still haven't found it. It was about me meeting the psychiatrist, which is supposed to be happening on Monday morning. The conversation didn't go well at all and now I am feeling very not-ok again. For that to have happened in the evening of the eve of a public holiday weekend when everyone is gone, is... I have a feeling you understand. I feel so sick and so shaky and so scared (of everything) and I am not sure how I am going to do this. I don't get how it can hurt to try and find what helps. It feels like a massive kick while I am down and I definitely did not need that tonight. It feels a bit like too much tonight.

 

I am going to take myself off the forum before I say anymore and regret it, and I'll go back to sitting quietly knowing you can hear me even when I can't say what I really want to say. 

 

Biggest thank you for being my not-friend. Right now, I really need a not-friend who gets it and is here when I am not and when they are not too, and I really appreciate that you are you.