Am Not Coping

[Zoe7]

@Former-Member doesn't look like we'll be able to 'chat' again today...bugger 

[utopia]

I was just about to write to you here, when I saw your post. Great minds think alike! Lol.
I got home last night and Dog and Abbey went nuts seeing me. So lots of pats and cuddles from me and lots of licking and jumping all over me from them. Max is still at my best friends.
Appears dog broke into my bedroom at some point during my hospital stay. The night before hospital I struggled but managed to put clean sheets on the bed. Didn't put a cover on the doona though. Came home to find black Labrador hairs all through my bed. Was so tired, I didn't care and just climbed in and slept anyway.
Doona almost ready to be hung up and dried in front of the heater. Sheets about to go in the wash. Lol. What a welcome home.
My son is still at mums/sisters. I'm still not in the right head space to have to tackle being a sole parent just yet. And mum tells me he doesn't want to come home with me yet. Ouch! But understandable.
I'm taking things really easy and slow at the moment. I'm on the wait list for an earlier appointment - but will see my psychologist Friday week.
I'm going to call the AA leader who runs the program in our town later tonight and have a chat with him. Any support in that direction would be helpful.
I'm not sure if I will go to meditation class tonight. I told the teacher I can't physically meditate at the moment. She suggested if I feel up to if I might like to come and simply sit in the room and may feel some support that way. They have lighted a special candle for me on the days I've been too unwell to attend.
Enough about me. Have you posted any images of any of your recent work - even if not finished? I saw f&h mentioned something about it.
How are you traveling? I saw you bought a few necessities to house your art / school supplies in. Have only read the odd post while in hospital. So I think I need you to fill me in.
Absolutely love the garden in the octagonal room. Could we name it The Tranquil Garden? That's what I think and feel when I saw it.
How are Cat and Toby? Behaving I hope. Has your tiredness settled down yet- from the meds?
Have so missed you my gentle butterfly.♥♥

[STORMGRL101]

That's good @Zoe7 well I made it to activity group today. Now I'm not feeling good so will rest for a while.

@Faith-and-Hope 💕❤🌷🌺

[Zoe7]

Oh @utopia I think I have been a little lost without you 

I was just holding on this afternoon until I read your post - now the floodgates have opened...

I really do miss you and @Faith-and-Hope when you guys are not around - you are both so important to me. Some people enter your life and have a huge impact - and it is so nice to have found that this impact can be positive - and not negative as it has seemed to be for most of my life. 

I could imagine the mess tha Dog left for you on the bed - argh! That is the wonderful thing about Toby - he doesn't shed  Toby and Cat are good. they both had their annual checkups and injections last week - little darlings are healthy and happy. Cat was really naughty yesterday - she got upon the kitchen bench and started to eat the roast chicken - she has never done that before so guess what - roast chicken for Toby and Cat for the next few days but none for Mummy!!!

I can certainly understand both you and your son still needing some time apart - that doesn't make you a 'bad' mother - quite the opposite infact - you know you are not able to adequately care for him at the moment - you have to be your priority to get back to your 'old self'.

I love that they have been lighting a candle for you at meditation class - that must make you feel really wanted and loved 

I am ok. Certainly up and down days still but I can see that we are making progress. My sleep has improved a bit - still nowhere near what it needs to be and the anxiety and fears etc. are still there (although they aren't as constant as they were). I have found that if I have a night or 2 without any nightmares then the next night is usually really vivid and really distressing - it is like those missing nights are combined into the next night. I still think about 'ending it' every day but I don't necessarily think about acting on those thoughts so that is a really big improvement.

The paintings mentioned are a few pages back I think - I posted then both together so they shouldn't be hard to find. 

I think that is enough for now @utopia. Just so pleased to have my beautiful little cocky friend back 

ps - The Tranquility Garden is perfect 

Loads of love and huge big bear hugs...

Zoe 

[Zoe7]

@STORMGRL101 I am pleased you made it to the group activity- well done 

I am not feeling great either buddy - even good appointments can 'take it out of' me - a bit drained, teary and very tired.

Hopefully we will both feel better later and can catch up again.

(I will have to find some energy from somewhere to see how well the decorators have gone with yours and @Eden1919's corners )

Zoe

[Faith-and-Hope]

I'm here @Zoe7 .... trying to psych myself up to painting, but I feel like sleeping instead, so maybe that's the way to go,

💜

[Zoe7]

I'm exactly the same @Faith-and-Hope - I want to paint but I am too tired and emotional so maybe I should sleep too. It is already staring to get dark here and my anxiety is increasing and I have a headache again - definitely a continuation and consequence of my appointment this morning. I went to the shopping centre afterwards to try to distract myself but I think it was just a little too much and now I am feeling the effects.

Can you sleep now and paint later? I think that is what I might try for 

[Faith-and-Hope]

I want to walk later @Zoe7, and the painting is outside with rainy weather about, but I think I need to sleep now regardless.

i had an appointment with my psychologist earlier today, which might be why I am feeling so spent.

Think I will sleep now, then walk, and then work out whether I am up to painting or not ....

💜💕

[Zoe7]

Those appointments do take so much out of us - even when they go well!!! @Faith-and-Hope

So I can understand completely why you want to sleep. Maybe it is a painting free day today and tomorrow we can both encourage each other to get into it early 

Sleep now, then walk, and take the rest of the day/evening a it comes - I think i will take my own advice on that too 

Hugs...

Zoe 

[utopia]

Sorry for inducing the tears @Zoe7. But as we are all learning - sometimes shedding a few tears can be due to happiness or relief and can be therapeutic.
Naughty Cat. I bet poor old mummy ended up eating baked beans on toast or something equally boring. And they get to dine gourmet style for the next few days.
A dog that doesn't shed hair. What breed? Only one I can think of are those chinese crested dogs & I feel sick just looking at them. (Sorry to those who love the breed).
I'm just defrosting some mince and might just make a basic spaghetti for dinner. Really need to do some shopping. No vegies in the house.
It does sound like small improvements are happening for you. Extra sleep. A day or two without the nightmares. I hope it continues to improve - until the nightmares are a very rare occurance and your sleep pattern settles into a normal one. It does sound like it is heading in that direction.
Keep focusing on those good moments. They can help sustain us in the harder times.