My Hospital Stay

[Zoe7]

@utopia 

[utopia]

Part 2
Day 7 - morning.
Psychiatrist at the end of my bed - but I was awake already. Just with my eyes shut.
First thing he said is he'd had a long talk with my mum (I gave permission this time for him to talk to her). She told him how I've been living. I was bloody annoyed but relieved at the same time - because now he knows - I do nothing. That I don't clean. That my once beautiful garden is now a complete and utter mess. My psychiatrist has always been telling me I need to work. When I have a job I will be better. Then mum told him there are lots of jobs in the larger towns near me - so I can't use that as an excuse. What the? I started raising my voice and said - my mum is talking about Admin or PA work. She thinks I can do these jobs. I CAN'T. I told him - all jobs I had in the psst have had their own in house computer programs & I was brilliant at being abld to pick up their systems quickly. I was bloody good. I was great. But as I said to my psych this morning. That is not me anymore. My son has shown me so many times how to add an ap to my ph. But I still can't do it. I can't remember words. I forget sometimes how to spell - the!.
My work ability. My cognitive ability is no longer there.
Add to that - mh mum doesn't get that I need a SAFE workplace. One boss only - so I won't be forgotten and get lost in the system & be hurt again. And i need a gentle workplace where there isn't malicious gossip or loud noises. Add to that - not open plan - and staff willing to not wear perfume or use fly spray or detol or pinoclean or other chemicals to clean the bathroom or their desks. Impossible.
My psychiatrist said he is not sure but now thinking that it may not be a simple case of Reactive Depression. That I may have an underlying depression as well.
Yesterday was my first day off my old AD. This morning was my first day on my new AD. Quicker than he was suggesting. But that's good.
Then he suggested that maybe an 'electrical' type treatment might benefit me. Maybe. I said oh ok - tms. Thinking that's safe. No he doesn't believe in TMS. he's talking ECT. Freaking out inside. That's different. That's scafy for me. He said it's just something to think about. I can think about it for a few days, weeks or months. No rush he said.
Then he said - while Workcover has allowed me into hospital this time - it will be easier to get an extension to dothe ECT. Whereas, if I wait for a few weeks or months and then decide yes to do ECT - that it will be harder to get permission from Workcover for a new admission.
NO PRESSURE - MY BUM!!!!
Totally ... not sure what I feel. But I came out for a smoko and instantly decided to pick a fight (verbal) with another patient. I'm so, all over the place but dead inside at the same time.

[Former-Member]

Oh wow @utopia Thats a lot of stuff going on. Go easy on yourself. Give yourself time to digest it bit by bit. Lots of breathing practice and grounding. Completely do everything opposite to what I do....panic is right out! You can work this out just give yourself time. I know you can, I see your super problem solving brain for the important things. You've got this, it's just those blooming baby steps again to gently give yourself time to do what you need to. 

Sending heaps of hugs and love. 💜🤗💐

[Owlunar]

Time to do some thoughtful thinking - I had a look at some clip art - there are some great pics there

So here's one

This might not be helpful - but I will be thinking too

Gotta go now and

I will be thinking of you @utopia and @Former-Member

Dec

[Former-Member]

Hi @utopia - I hope you are doing OK in there. Here are my thoughts on ECT - my understanding is it useful for treatment resistant depression. In other words people who've tried multiple medications and therapies over many years without results. I wouldn't have put you in this category. Also it does effect your memories. I was talking to a doctor about this recently and some people completely lose chunks of memory. He had a patient who after ECT can no longer remember giving birth to her child. Some people can have many ECT treatments and not lose any memory while others can have significant memory loss. I don't know about you but my memories, good and bad, make me who I am and I don't believe it is worth taking that risk. This is just my opinion. TMS has had very good results and it doesn't have the risks of ECT. The problems with TMS is you have to be an inpatient to get the treatment even though it only takes around 30 minutes and you can get up and go straight afterwards unlike ECT where you are anaesthetised. The reason for the inpatient stay is so the hospitals can make more money by having a bed occupied for the 4 week duration of the TMS treatment cycle. The TMS machines cost big $$$ and the hospitals want return on investment even though there is no reason for an inpatient stay. I've looked into it and spoken with the doctors who do the program. I really want to try TMS as what I read is very positive but the thought of a four week hospital stay just for 30 minute daily treatments doesn't appeal and I don't think my insurance will cover it. Also please be aware that neither ECT or TMS are a "cure" - symptoms always eventually return and often there needs to be maintenance sessions of ECT as a follow up. My thoughts for what they are worth are stick with a regimen of medication and therapy. There are always new meds coming onto the market as it's a big money maker for the pharmaceutical companies so they are forever pumping money into research. On another note I've encountered doctors who use ECT as a "weapon of choice" as it's their particular favourite treatment whether or not it's truly beneficial to the patient. Sorry about the rant - it's just that I get upset when I hear mention of ECT as I've seen what damage can be done. I've never had it and I am very opposed to it... like I keep saying it's just my opinion. Look after yourself and get some rest... take care

[utopia]

@Owlunar. The owl picture and comment made md laugh out loud. Thanks.
@Former-Member. Yes baby steps. Just shocked he's mentioned ECT out of the blue.
Whdn only yesterday I got him to agree to take me off my old AD & Give me a new AD. Because he doesn't believe AD's work for reactive depression. But now he's not sure thst is whst I have.

[Former-Member]

Fair point @utopia. Keep thinking through it. I guess he's feeling the pressure to do the best by you too incase workcover don't cooperate in the future. It does seem a bit drastic though. Think you'll need to have s few conversations with him before you decide. Best wishes. 💜🤗💐

[utopia]

Thank you @Former-Member and @Former-Member. That's what I couldn't express before. To me it seems a drastic step at this early stage.
I know I'm allowed to ask for another pdychiatrists opinion while im in hospital. I might do that with the senior psychiatrist of this hospital. Other patients havd said good things about her.

[utopia]

Had to do the bloody nurse talk. She tried to catcch me this morning after my talk with my psychiatrist. Hell no. But they have to have a chat with you every shift - or morning and afternoon shift. To write their notes on how you are doing.
So I finally calmed down after my psychs ETC suggestion.
And then they talk or ask you stupid questions about how you're feeling and what's happened today.
I swear they just want you to hash it all up again so they can make you cry. Most of the time it's bloody awful. Because you've only just managed to settle yourself down - only to dredge up your shite again. Over and over and over again.
So I go and lie down on top of the table in the non smoking courtyard. And I watch the clouds moving by. It's calming. I'm feeling a little more in control and no need for a calmer med.
I go out to the smokers courtyard - and there is a man spraying what the hospital calls a 'garden'. I say what are yiu spraying. Weed Spray.
Si I cry. It's a big chemical no no for me and my allergies (yes I know it's not logical to be a smoker). My sensitivities have already been set off early this morning - with my new room mate using hairspray. I'm impossible to live with.
But I want a smoke and its the only place ti have one is in the one smokers courtyard.
So then I cried because I want a smoke. Si I had to ask for a 10 minute leave pass so I can go and smoke in the car Park - outside of the hospital. I hate leavung the hospital.
So I've got this weed spray up my nose causing an instant headache and then I stand in the car park being hit by car fumes driving I n or out..
Big whinge over nothing. . But today sucks.
Just asked a nurse if she could wake me at 10 minutes to 3 - so I can go to an important group. But I need to sleep now to help my mood without being given more meds.
She said no. Your old enough to get yourself up. That's not my job. My mobile Alarm is broken. She didn't care. She is a witch with a B.
Shite day.

[Zoe7]

Shite day indeed @utopia 

The great thing about virtual flowers is that there is no 'perfume' that can add to you sensitivities...

Thinking of you my beautiful little cocky friend