Lived Experience Forum

[creative_writer]

@Jynx, it’s scary to take off a mask I’ve been wearing for so long. There are bits and pieces others see, but it’s hard to be completely raw and emotional. It’s probably going to be a process I need to work through.

My next appointment is on Friday with my psychiatrist. Then I finally have a psychologist and peer support worker appointments next week. You see my old peer support worker had to leave, and they are sorting through my referral for another counselling service, I will follow up tom. I was seeing a counsellor in between psychologist appointments, I only see the psychologist once a month, you gotta thank Medicare for that one. I think it’s hard to stay on the phone because sometimes I honestly get stuck on what to say while on the phone, I also don’t like waiting (maybe best to call earlier in the day) and I secretly make phone calls at home and pretend I am studying (I have to make sure nobody hears me). My parents weren’t terribly excited when I was working with the HOPE team last year, my mum would say be careful with what I say or they may overreact, essentially, they didn’t want the police over or for me to be sent to the hospital. She said how more people involved meant more people had “authority” over me. As a result, I have become more private, because comments like that just feed into “nobody is trustworthy“ and “people only care about their self interests”

[Jynx]

@creative_writer unmasking is absolutely a process, and one that I think it's very reasonable to take your time with. I once heard a quote - 'All progress takes place outside of the comfort zone', and I think there's a lot of truth to it. Being able to do these things is gonna mean sitting with a whole lotta discomfort. But it absolutely gets easier - so long as you're able to unmask in the right environment though. Like, where it is with people who make you feel safe to be yourself. Can't recover from trauma if you're still in the environment that traumatised you to begin with hey. 

I'm glad to hear you've got some stuff on the way, but very sorry that you do feel like you have to hide it so much. I can kinda understand your mother's fears, but at the same time it sounds like that is also in a way quite limiting, both in terms of you being able to safely express yourself, and seek sufficient support for your current needs. Tricky one for sure. Can see why it has made it harder for you to open up. Hmm maybe with the helpline stuff, you could say to the counsellor "Hey I know I need support but I don't know how to talk about stuff. Could you please ask me some questions to help me explore my feelings a bit better?" What do you think? 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx, I think deep inside I’ve been trying to be “normal” too. I never felt like everyone else. I feel like I’m abnormal for expressing certain emotions, sometimes I wonder what is the appropriate expression of emotion in certain situations. I often wonder whether I am overreacting and whether my emotions are socially appropriate. I know there are no rules, emotions are emotions at the end of the day. I guess I created rules to fit in with everyone else. I guess I just have to accept my brain just might be wired a bit differently than the average person. I feel emotions a lot deeper. I also get overstimulated by my environment too easily too.

I feel like my mum has trust issues. Anxiety often runs in families. I am one of the lucky one who has anxiety, depression and bipolar running in her family. I could try a phone call to a helpline with that

[Jynx]

Random thought @creative_writer but have you ever explored AuDHD (Autism and/or ADHD) as a neurotype? They can often have a lot of overlap with bipolar, and also run in families. But what you describe about difficulty regulating emotions, and sensory sensitivity, are pretty central in both diagnoses. If you think it's worth exploring there's a couple websites you could start with - ADDitude & Amaze. Food for thought anyway. 

Creating rules to fit in can be such a trap... cos you might fit in with the people around you, but you are also maybe not truly being your authentic self, so the 'you' that they see and accept isn't really you, so the urge to further hide your true self becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy kinda thing. Can take a while to unravel it and learn to be open with more people, but also rewarding - because you will begin to find that the people who are drawn to you are the right kind of people, who will accept you for who you truly are rather than the mask you have had to create. 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx, I have ASD, I was diagnosed after I turned 18. I guess I learnt to hide it over time. My sister actually asked me if I think she is also on the spectrum, she also has traits but has never been diagnosed.

I have struggled a lot with forming relationships, probably for a number of reasons, trauma, physical exhaustion from migraines, really bad depressive episode from bipolar, social anxiety and of course ASD. I know it’s a self fulfilling prophecy to feel lonely around people if I close myself off, it’s just something that will be a working progress for a while.

I will be sleeping soon. Goodnight. Thank you for tonight’s chat 💖

[creative_writer]

Maybe I'm impatient. Does the hold music drive anyone else crazy? It's just making me anxious. I know others need support too, so it's understandable for helplines to get busy

[Jynx]

@creative_writer autism and masking tend to go hand-in-hand, so I have enormous empathy for the experiences you are currently trying to navigate (I'm neurospicy my own self 😉). Are you and your sister close? It does tend to run in families so I wouldn't be surprised if she was. 

Yeah I've found that the folks that are easiest for me to form close bonds with are other AuDHD folks (my new fav term for peeps w both ASD and ADHD), because it's almost like we speak a language different to neurotypical folks, and when I'm with them everything just seems to make more sense. Do you have any neurodivergent friends? Could be something to seek out, like through social media groups or the meetup website or something? 

A person close to me just finished reading a book called Unmasking Autism by Devon Price. He spoke of it being an incredibly helpful (albeit emotionally intense) read, which has inspired me to read it my own self, and also start sharing it with anyone and everyone who is part of the AuDHD world! 

I commend you for taking the steps on this journey, it's not an easy one. But you are worthy and deserving of love, and to be able to love, so keep going. I believe in you 💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx, I’ve heard autism and masking go hand in hand. I think I do see ASD traits in my family if I think about it. It can go unnoticed particularly if someone is high functioning. I don’t actually know many neurodivergent people, but it would be nice to connect with neurodivergent folk.

I haven’t been diagnosed with ADHD myself, I do have some traits. Don’t know if that’s because there is an overlap with ASD.

I don’t know if I remember carefully, you had ADHD?

[creative_writer]

I wrote a poem to process things this morning. I am hurting because SA was the first time I experienced something like that 😞

[creative_writer]

😢