Lived Experience Forum

[Ugly_Trout]

Hi. Ive battled alcohol most of my adult life just to stop the thoughts that I have flying through my brain.Ive been sober now for 5+ years but have had an opoid habit (ceased) since then. I have always been put as a paranoid schizophrenic. Recently though, with thanks to my mental health nurse I saw a psychiatristfor a bulk billed 1 hour appointment. I do believe that people have heard things about me and that things they say are slyly pointed in my direction. Especially after dropping in my computer to get fixed a few months ago. People are in my opinion laughing at me for my porn searches. Which can out are as being attracted to women, men and transexuals. specifically of late, my brain is telling me they're saying and laughing at me because of some transgender porn I've looked up. 

People have quizzed me about where my brother lives and today I went over to that side of town near the coast and people there were laughing at me too. 30km's from where I am nut enough people were reacting to me. 

Any help on how to help with my neurotic thoughts?

Thanks

[Ugly_Trout]

The transgender porn is just a recent example. Often times I just think there's some other rumour or joke that I don't know.
Paranoia is kinda very prevalent.

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @Ugly_Trout, 

What is it about people laughing at you?  Do you have a self-esteem issue that you feel you have not addressed? 

I am not about to judge you on what you find erotic as long as it's lawful, but it does sound like that is a symptom of something else and not the root cause of the problem you are trying to fix.  

[Ugly_Trout]

Hi @AussieRecharger 

I feel people laughing at me as a way that people won't like me before they meet me. Also the constant scanning of people and the way that people react around me is exhausting. I have low self esteem but I'm not sure if it's because of the neurosis or my low self esteem causes the neurosis. I've always had a deep feeling of people not liking me I guess. I won't go back to it because it caused MDD on a number of occasions, but it alleviated symptoms. Just as pain meds have when I've been on them. 

It can be as small as people talking or laughing about me for reasons I don't know. I've only latched onto the latest one recently. My mind races at a million miles an hour and I find that my flight reaction kicks in. I recently had an operation on my hand and found out as I came out of anaesthetic that they'd put a catheter in. Within half an hour I felt every nurse laughing at me, so I checked out against medical advice.

I am often house bound as I just find it easier not to confront it because I don't know of any ways to challenge these thoughts within myself when I'm freaking out. Besides questioning every around me. 

The paranoia is exhausting, as is the anxiety I go through just to go out. 

[flybluebird]

Hi there @Ugly_Trout 
I think I can hear from what you’ve shared with us that this current experience of thoughts are making you concerned & stressed out and has amplified when outside the home your feelings of being on high alert.
And I can totally understand that would be totally exhausting.

I see you are reaching out & asking for help around it & wanted to know if you have any follow up support from your psych or mental health nurse? Whether you feel like you can speak with them about this experience you’re currently in?

I'm also just wondering outside of having these thoughts at the moment do you mostly like spending time outside of the home?

Flybluebird

[Ugly_Trout]

hi @flybluebird 

My mental health nurse has called in sick today but he said later in the week maybe. I see the psychiatrist in 2 1/2 weeks again to discuss medications that may help me. I also see a psychologist next week. Session 3 so I'll discuss it with him. Anyone of a professional background I'm open and honest with. The first time I saw my psychologist though I did ask him if he'd heard about me. I just have to accept that he hasn't as he said. I've quizzed my gp a couple of times, not sure I trust her as she works strictly on a 10 minute rule. Maybe I can change back to my previous gp. Although I haven't found a gp with mental health knowledge besides a referral. Maybe I'm expecting too much from them?

I isolated a lot whilst I was drinking 24/7 for a couple of years. so there's that. But yes I'd like to be able to sit on my balcony a bit more often. I find that daunting because the neighbours 'obviously' know about and laugh at me. I challenge these thoughts but besides questioning people about their comments I'm not sure how to change my thinking. The meds I'm on aren't really helping at all. 

I also have lived in the one place for a year now. on. my own. Previous 5 years I was house sharing and I'd just pack up and move if things got too much. I just signed another year lease where I am. I figure it will follow me everywhere I go. 

[flybluebird]

It’s really nice to hear @Ugly_Trout that you have that trust in being able to be honest with your professional supports. I hope they can provide some more assistance around those concerns you have at the moment. I wonder if the psychologist might be helpful with part of what you describe re: strategies with your thoughts and the psychiatrist with the medication side of things. 

Also I just wanted to congratulate you on your sobriety with alcohol, that is a great achievement and I really respect what it takes to be in that place.

Do you miss living with other people or prefer to live alone?

I hope for you that you can enjoy some more time on your balcony. I love sitting out on mine at different times but don’t feel as comfortable when neighbours are around. It can be hard when balconies are so close to each other that it doesn’t feel very private. So I somewhat relate in that way myself.

[Ugly_Trout]

thanks @flybluebird I learnt a while back to trust enough to share what I feel, at least it's out there, and besides, they probably know already.. That thought does pop into my mind sometimes and it's kinda like I'm getting my side of the story out there to let them know I'm not all the things people are saying about me. But mostly its about getting help as I move forward. I'm still going over what happened yesterday as I went out and about. If I think of those events I do believe that the concerns are real. 

Music is my go too. My life saver. And thanks for saying congrats. It definitely gets easier 5 going on 6 years later.

I don't miss house sharing, but I would like more people in my life rather than just the professional people. I have tried groups and meetups, but I think people can tell there's something different about me. Trust in randoms is difficult for me. I do like icing alone but yeah, it gets lonely sometimes.

thanks

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @Ugly_Trout ,

How much do you know about developed neural pathways and how the brain works when it detects duress?  

It kinda sounds like your brain is getting stuck in a heightened state and you perceive people laughing as an event that causes you to go into survival mode.  Do you ever practice mindfulness before you go out to assess your bodies emotional state before you encounter others?  Have you contemplated why other peoples thoughts have become such a life-threatening emergency for your emotions?  

Have you ever looked up how shame can affect your ability for your emotions to function properly?

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/toxic-shame  ..

It sounds like you have taken some massive first steps which are great.. keep us posted by journalling here and I will keep watching to see your progress. 

[Former-Member]

Hey @Ugly_Trout here with you buddy. I hope you get through your challenges with the support system. I too am trying new things in life and some old things which worked before mental illness kicked in. I’m hoping for the best, but too feel odd in social situations, don’t really like when people laugh too makes me feel, I haven’t labeled the thought yet, as I don’t know how to react. Ican only imagine the paranoia as it was something I overcame with medication, but was paranoid when on drugs. All in the past I guess… there are better days ahead, maybe getting too ahead of myself as I experience bad days still. I’m sure everyone finds there way eventually including me.

here to chat if you need anything aye plus I’m finding psychology videos are helping me for social situations and for work scenarios on YouTube just a thought