Riding a wave

[Zoe7]

Just to be very clear @Phoenix_Rising - you are not causing chaos in forumland - we are right with you and do not see it that way at all - we see it as you being in a gigantic muddle and your big feelings have got HUGE - and we aren't going anywhere little turtle

[Zoe7]

'calmed' is a good start @Phoenix_Rising - but yes I can hear you are still scared

[Faith-and-Hope]

[Zoe7]

While you ride the wave @Phoenix_Rising I am going to snuggle far in the back of the Secret Comfy Cave at the back of the Underwater Cave - waaaaay down at the bottom of the ocean...

[Phoenix_Rising]

I super badly want CherryBomb. I so very very VERY badly want her here right now. Nothing like this would ever have happened when she was watching over Forum Land. I want NikNik. I want Lauz.

My whole attachment system has evaporated to near-nothing @CheerBear and @Zoe7. I don't feel anything for anybody except you guys. I like other people in Forum Land, but I don't FEEL anything. There is so much muddle that I don't talk about here in Forum Land. So much that I only talk about with my turtle whisperer and some of which I've shared with super safe people in the HC. Thus to suddenly be told that I can't expect those people to appear in Forum Land in a supportive way, is utterly utterly bewildering. It makes no sense at all. I really really really wish NikNik wasn't away and I so very VERY badly wish Cherrybomb was around. I feel so lost and bewildered and confused.

[Phoenix_Rising]

I really really really want to die right now. I'm getting super strong memories of my birthday party and how super connected and cared about I felt that day. It was that day that I knew I would keep living after P died. But if all those relationships have evaporated, then I have nothing @CheerBear @Zoe7

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member This is a gigantic category 5 storm, but even category 5 storms pass. Maybe you should snuggle into the inner sanctum of the underwater cave while the storm rages.

I don't normally bring this level of chaos to Forum Land. That is why I called the HC - to avoid this very situation. But after they hung up on me, I had nowhere else to go but here.

[Phoenix_Rising]

I super super super wish you were here @CheerBear. I so very very badly need to SPEAK to someone. It would help so much.

[Zoe7]

I have no idea how hard this is for you @Phoenix_Rising - I can only 'guess' and go on what I know and understand for myself. I get that there are things that you don't share here - there is a hell of a lot that I can't either - and have not shared with ANYONE. There are some things in our lives that are too horrific to share (even with ourselves as that is when we really do feel like ending it all). Without knowing any details (and I definitely don't need to) I can say that I understand how deep and pervading your muddle is.

just a little reminder here for you little turtle...

[CheerBear]

I know it feels like that right now and I know that having many of those relationships change is seriously hard. Like almost impossibly hard. I get that. Some of those relationships have not and some of us are still here and still the same as we were before (maybe aside from the fact that I actually like you more every day) and I can only speak for myself but I still plan on being here tomorrow and not changing (aside from learning more and liking you more) @Phoenix_Rising.

It doesn't make it better, I know that. And it sucks and hurts and is painful and I wish it wasn't so hard.