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I have no idea how hard this is for you @Phoenix_Rising - I can only 'guess' and go on what I know and understand for myself. I get that there are things that you don't share here - there is a hell of a lot that I can't either - and have not shared with ANYONE. There are some things in our lives that are too horrific to share (even with ourselves as that is when we really do feel like ending it all). Without knowing any details (and I definitely don't need to) I can say that I understand how deep and pervading your muddle is.
just a little reminder here for you little turtle...
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