Am Not Coping

[Faith-and-Hope]

WH is listening a bit sometimes now, when I try to explain some aspects of parenting ..... but it's still a huge muddle ..... the perfectionism, the need to control, his mother's parenting ideas mixed in here where they were held at bay before ..... swinging between good cop and bad cop ...... excessive rewarding ...... cotton-wool-wrapping ...... gahhhh !

All I can do is try to keep as closely to what was "our" parenting before wh went MIA ..... speak up where possible ..... take over to calm things down or do a mop-up at other times ..... try to counsel from the sidelines while not tripping over any triggers .....

Walking on eggshells when I am not in the washing machine or taking time-out.

[Zoe7]

I totally get the 'walking on eggshells' part @Faith-and-Hope - pretty much done that my whole life - when I haven't isolated myself 

I am definitely starting to 'stick up for myself' though. This morning I rang my parents to discuss my mum's birthday with dad - mum answered the phone and the first thing she said was 'you never ring' - I calmly and quietly said "you really didn't need to say that  did you". Her response was 'no I suppose I didn't". A year ago I would have hung up on her so I didn't need to be made feel any worse. I have also started doing that a lot more with my sister.

The really funny thing about all this is that I have been doing this with my dad for a long time - once I finally confronted him, stood up for myself (even though it ended really badly at the time) - since then I haven't 'let him' hurt me again. ...but my morther's words - and her mindset - even though I know where it comes from and why - is very 'cutting'. I honestly don't even think she realises (despite constant attempts to tell her) how negative and backhanded her comments are. Maybe she simply has a brain fog when it comes to me - most likely regret and shame herself from not stopping my father for all those years - that is my theory anyway - but I am constantly walking on eggshells around her and wondering what she will say next to upset me 

[Faith-and-Hope]

It becomes more about managing a relationship than having a relationship when things are like that @Zoe7 ..... but I am so glad you are taking those steps by degrees to place the boundaries .....

I was on a whole new learning curve, having to do that with in-laws when I first married.  Managed relationships.

[Zoe7]

Totally agree @Faith-and-Hope - but that is not something I could do a year ago. Maybe the one good thing that has come out of me NOT being able to do anything is that there is now less expectation that I will DO everything. Even today when we were discussing christmas day she said she was worried having it at my place again would be too much for me - yet she thought it would be okay for me to drive for half an hour to their place - have to DO things there and then drive home. When I said it was too far she came back with 'it isn't any different than driving to the beach" - well yes it is - it is shorter to the beach and I don't have to DO anything when I get there if I can't handle it. It is those 'little' things that she doesn't seem to reconcile in her own mind before she opens her mouth 

[Faith-and-Hope]

It really doesn’t sound like she understands how unwell you are @Zoe7.

[Zoe7]

No she really doesn't @Faith-and-Hope 

[Faith-and-Hope]

I am guessing you don’t feel able to tell her because the questions then would probably circle around why, what happened to cause this ?

[Zoe7]

oh @Faith-and-Hope - that really isn't an option at all - I would not survive the fall-out - that I do know 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Are you able to tell her that you have an illness that has similar symptoms to chronic fatigue syndrome or something @Zoe7 ?  Maybe discuss it with your psych ?  Just something that lets her know that you have a debilitating condition that means some days you are able to go out and do a few things, and other days not at all ?

[Zoe7]

That is exactly how this all started after I first got sick @Faith-and-Hope - post-viral fatigue. So she does believe it is similar to chronic fatigue syndrome still. I honestly think she doesn't want to know - as if it is somehow her 'failure' as a mum - the real truth would destroy her.