Am Not Coping

[Zoe7]

@utopia so am I lol and texting with GP - she's so good to me! Sending you lots and lots of hugs and love ❤

[Phoenix_Rising]

Good evening all. I am feeling MUCH better this evening after seeing NP today. We still haven't actually solved the problem of what I can do in a crisis (so I think you guys are stuck with me ) but we are going to have a few 90 minute sessions so that we can really make some headway on my muddle. Also NP is going to make me some voice recordings. She said she should be able to do the first one this week, which will focus on the idea that she is still "there" between sessions and that she isn't going to dump me even though things are so stormy right now.

I engaged in a fairly extreme behaviour during the week (I'm pretty sure the moderators wouldn't approve of me describing it here!), which I know I did because I felt so unheard when I used my words to tell NP how much I was struggling at the end of last week's session. I super liked how non-reactive she was to that behaviour today. Her non-reactivity made me feel safe. Of course, she may have really been freaked out by it and is debriefing with her supervisor right now...but she BEHAVED as though it was no big deal while at the same time validating the bigness of it. So yeah, I feel much more connected and safe now. We talked about how important it was to finish the session in a way that helped me to feel ok. Today we did that by watching a youtube clip from Finding Nemo. Finding Nemo is my favourite movie. Who can feel bad when watching Finding Nemo!!!!

I have to confess, I am amazingly bad at remembering what is in all your posts so that I can then reply One thing I wanted to say though was that @utopia I think you mentioned that you were worried that if you cry, the tears will never stop. They will stop - I can 100% guarantee it. They will start again minutes, hours or days later, but they WILL stop. Worrying that they won't adds another layer of emotion to the already super big sad feelings. It's ok to cry. It is safe and healthy.

@Zoe7 I also remember that you tried to go to the movies today but it was sold out. That sucks! I hope you are able to go on Friday.

Um...yep, that's all I remember from all the posts I just read. I seriously need a brain transplant

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Pepsimax I'm not sure if we have met. I am...well...me I was just flicking back through the posts and saw that you are feeling down tonight. I hope colouring in helps. I haven't really got into it myself, but I know quite a few people who find it really helpful.

[Pepsimax]

@Phoenix_Rising I have been reading your posts I worked out why I have been feeling like this tonight I have scares on my arms so stupid to do this to myself

[Zoe7]

@Phoenix_Rising That sounds like a really productive session today. So much sorted and so many of your fears alleviated. NP sounds like the right fit for you afterall. That's great news.

You are right - how can anyone not like Finding Nemo - very cute movie!

Friday should be easier for the movie - was  a public holiday here today so I think a lot of people had the same idea. I will see how I feel Friday morning. I coped better than I expected today - I was really tired before I left - think the combination of thinking about how I was going to cope as well as the less than desirable sleep both contributed to this. I have already had my meds for tonight to hopefully feel tired and sleepy much earlier - see how we go. I was worried about taking them earlier last night that I would wake up in the dark - which I did - but I turned the light back on, played with Toby for a while and eventually fell back asleep (with the light still on).

[Zoe7]

@Pepsimax Let's just call them 'battle wounds' and treat both them and yourself with care and love to heal 

[utopia]

Thanks @Phoenix_Rising. Yes crying doesn't last forever. I think what's really going on with me at the moment - is that I know there is an emotion that is stuck just under the surface. I'm a bit worried that if I allow it to come out - that one thing after another will come out. That it will be too much. Bugger if I know what it's about. But fear is right up there today.
Ignoring it and holding it in, won't help or be good for me. Feel the depression looming.
Will see how the night takes me

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Pepsimax I have scars on my arm too.

[Zoe7]

Oh my beautiful little cocky friend @utopia 

I wish I could take all your negative emotions and fears away and you could be free to fly (metaphorically of course).

Here for you as you have always been for me xxx

Sending you all my love and strength - and some comforting hugs

Zoe 

[utopia]

Thanks @Zoe7. I was stupid last night and did a new ap which was asking questions and I didn't follow through the whole thing. Think that's why I'm jittery. And am tired.
I know I have to go back into the ap and finishwhat I started. But just not wwanting to feel all of that tonight. And I know it will be hours then before I can sleep. And I have to work tmw.
Ignore my ramblings. I'm full of excuses tonight.
Sweet dreams and I'll talk to you tomorrow.