@utopia Thank you so much for sharing your A-ha moment. I think I get as excited reading them as you do having them.
I identify with it very much. I was the same with just not feeling much until my trauma. I'd survived all sorts of stuff in my life without ever experiencing negative emotions. The irony was that it wasn't until my psychologist started teaching me how to feel that I came really unstuck and SH started thick and fast. Once I began to feel I had it turn it off so quick. I'm so glad to read that you documented it all down in the moment for your psychologist.
You know even though I experience SI I think it's so different for everyone. I think that it changes too the longer youve lived with it. I think there is more of a numbness with feelings but more intensity to do as time goes on. Just my experience. I'm so very glad you are there to deal with it early. I am so hoping it's helps it go. @CheerBear has a really good recent post on her experiences in Im in a nest if you feel inclined to read it here.
I thought you needed some native garden in hospital so I bought you some of my old garden, it is my photo. It made me smile because I looked at the pic and said "bird attracting and ant attracting, I've got utopia covered" out loud 😄
Sending hugs 💜😴💐
oh and PS I can imagine how hard it must be with perfumed products in a mental health unit. Part of my self care is nice smelling shower gels and moisturiser etc. My toiletry bag is stocked full of nice smelling things I don't usually use at home for self soothing in hospital. I can imagine it's amplified to the max. Hospital is often the only time I regularly shower and 'stink up on nice smelly stuff'. You'd be hating sharing with me. Perhaps sharing with ants works in your favour 😜😂😘
that is so interesting that your body is reacting in such a way- first vomiting and then shaking. It does sound to me like emotion moving through your body.... even though you don't feel the emotions themselves all that strongly.
I remember once shaking like crazy all over, because I was so anxious.... but I actually felt the anxiety at the same time. I also remember once as a child shaking and shaking and not knowing why. It was very confusing and I didn't tell anyone about it. I don't think I felt anxious right at that time, but I'm sure I would have been anxious, if you know what I mean. I had panic attacks as a child, too.
So I think sometimes emotions can manifest as physical symptoms.... even when the emotion itself is not obvious to us, for whatever reason.
@utopia, can you try slow, deep breathing when this happens to you? You focus your entire attention on your breath. It's very calming.
I think often, when we have an emotion that we won't give ourselves permission to feel, we tend to hold our breaths. So deep breathing really helps.
I have this thing I've been doing lately, where I very gently apply pressure with my fingertips to the "sea of tranquility" pressure point in the centre of my chest. It's a Chinese medicine acupressure practice.
At the same time, I visualize my heart as a beautiful, deep red rose that is slowly unfolding and spreading it's petals. I breathing in and out deeply while I do this visualization. It only takes 5 minutes. I feel really relaxed afterwards.
Hi @utopia
You are sensitive yet - and it will happen that people will say harmless and ordinary things that will set you off - and it happens and I have found the best thing is that I need to leave the room for a few minutes
I was at a meeting - social - a while back and someone else who had lost a child started with her story - and she has told that story often and no doubt will continue too - and I can listen to someone tell such a story without a problem - but this lady hammered on and on until I got up to leave - not just the room but the whole building
I think she had her reasons - but it started to hit me in the wrong places and became too much but here's the thing - I only have to go as far away so I can't been seen and can't hear - and wait for a while - and return - we all have to have toilet breaks and that was a good time to have one
So for you - before you get the shakes - perfectly normal to get the shakes btw - find a need to leave - even if you just need to take a breather and hope that is all over when you go back
You know you have to care for yourself and you are learning more this time - so it seems to me
So take that deep breath - have a smoke - whatever - people will say what they will say and I have no doubt I tread on other people corns myself - although I rarely intend to
Are you the bug-girl - let's hope twin butterflies help
Dec
Hi my beautiful little cocky friend @utopia 
I have some bad news for you - I hope you are sitting down - Simon and Alene have broken up according to Today Tonight - so Simon is on the market again. I will step back and allow you to step forward lol
I hope this news isn't too devastating for you at the moment and you are seeing more light in your days otherwise.
I miss you