My Hospital Stay

[Former-Member]

Hi Outlander, Sahara, Faith-and-Hope,
@utopia, I'm so disappointed you are not getting the hospital discharge community support you need. They need some sort of in between, a halfway house or rehab or something. Your admission should carry some weight with Centrelink - if you could make an apt with a Centrelink social worker face to face they have always helped me. Bypass the faulty automated systems. So stressful! its not rocket science to know they're doing harm to a lot of people with MI. Trouble is, were all guilty of fraud and have to prove ourselves innocents, wish we didn't need them.

Try not to sleep too much, go for little walks, get some sunshine, ring a friend, be kind to yourself Utopia🌷 🙏

[utopia]

Still awake. Can't sleep. My mind is so full. I'm tired, but awake. I feel safer in hospital. But I'm worried these feelings just won't go away. That ever little stress. Every interaction with Centrelink & Workcover will just keep pushing me further into darkness.
I've looked up Reactive Depression. It generally only lasts 6 months. It's been over 2 & a 1/2 years already. Because the trigger hasn't been removed. And it looks like it's going to be years and years before we even get to court. How am I meant to last that long. Other than my PTSD & panic attacks - my mental health is worse. My depression has never been this bad. Only had SI last year until recently. It's all just getting worse. And the fear of never getting better.
This is just a big whinge.

[Owlunar]

Hi @utopia

I have had Reactive Depression and know it will last as long as the cause is present- but yeah- it could turn into a form of chronic depression if things continue

I don't think I have read  what happened to you at work but I am pretty sure they don't want to proceed with whatever it was and it must have been pretty horrible

I know I stuck with my cause of reactive depression until he died - and I wonder how long I could have conitinued - oh my stars - how hard that was

I am awake too - I find it hard to type in bed but if you want to share I am here for a short while

Dec

[Sahara]

Hi @utopia,

I hope this message finds you safely on your way to hospital with your Mum beside you. Thank goodness you were able to be your own advocate and get those letters from your psychiatrist and psychologist. I know how hard it can be to persevere when you are feeling so low. It is really hard to do that... so I think you are amazing. 

Your story highlights the problems with Workcover and the court system. Things take so long to happen and all that time you are unable to begin to heal properly because you are stuck in limbo with the same trauma replaying over again.

I had a taste of this when I took a recent ex-boss to the Fair Work Commission because he fired me for asking to be paid correctly. When I realized how long the case would take to get to court, I gave up on it, because I wanted to begin healing from the incident immediately. I did not want to wait for some date in the distant future for it finally to be over.... it was so stressful.

My husband and I decided to go and spend 5 weeks in Europe together for a change of scenery. I just dropped the case without letting my ex-boss know anything.... I let him believe that I might still go ahead with it. But I left the country! 

Something similar happened when I left my ex-partner all those years back. I just packed up one day and left while he was at work, because I did not want the trauma of telling him I was leaving and then having a big discussion/argument about it- when I knew he would come out with dozens of lies in order to convince me to stay. I just needed to avoid that situation all together, for my own mental health. 

I remember him texting me and asking to meet me for a proper 'goodbye' and explainations, but I just deleted his text. I began healing for good when I deleted that text.... because I was letting go.

@utopia, I'm not suggesting that you can move on from your situation easily or recover from depression quickly. It takes time and a lot of hard work. It did with me, anyway. While you have committed to the course of action to take this case to court- and I think that it's a good thing to do- to seek justice- you might have to begin to let go of it as well, if you can. I know it is really hard. 

Those people at your previous job were terrible and heartless. That's the way they are. If you get justice in court, they will remain terrible and heartless, anyway. You would think they would learn from their lesson; but no. They will continue to be themselves, regardless of anything.

That's how I thought of my ex-boss and my ex-partner. It's not that I wanted to label them or dehumanize them, either. I just wanted nothing to do with them, ever again. And I got my wish. They are history. 

@utopia, you are so caring and so good. You are very, very strong, too. I think you are stronger than me. You will get through this.... I just know that you will. 

[Owlunar]

Wow @Sahara

That is some story - thanks for sharing it with us - and maybe it can help other people break from the past

It is really good to see you again - and I am glad you and your husband took a 5 week break in Europe - what a fantastic idea - I pray this gives you the impetus to continue with your growth - such hard work too

I really admire you getting out of your previous relationship that way - my own story is a bit different but the first time he assaulted me I had the police involved and the second time was years later and I threatened to have him charged if he did not leave that day - and he decided to leave - and how he cope financially was not my problem - he rang me at work and they were so concerned for me there they locked my car on the premises over night and paid for a taxi to take me home - I think I rang everyone I knew that night but woke up in the morning and got another taxi to work - and never looked back

But the story was not was easy as it looks on the screen here - there are a myriad of other stories attached to it - and there were children involved - so nothing is ever as it seems nor as easy or even as hard as it sounds

But great to have you back Sahara

Dec

[Former-Member]

Hi @utopia - I hope the day is going well for you. Take the time to get well and whinge away if you need to - we're all here to listen and help. Interesting that you are on workcover after that amount of time without a settlement. I always thought workcover's objective was to get people back into work or pay them out if that's viable.  I'm only just starting down that path and because I had a pre-existing condition of severe depression (not a reactive condition but I was made worse by workplace incidents) it will be hard for me but I'm also very clear about my desired outcomes which is why my lawyer recommended going to VCAT as we got nowhere trying to mediate with my employer. I don't know if you've got a lawyer but it's really helped me and taken a load off my mind knowing that they are dealing with the legal side of things. My employer doesn't communicate at all with me - everything goes via my lawyer which is really helpful even though I get worried about what is going on behind my back I at least know that they acting as a buffer. Having someone advocate for you in meetings is worth it's weight in gold too. Something to think about anyway but you really need to prioritise your own wellbeing at the moment. Get yourself well and strong first and worry about the other stuff later. Take care.

[Faith-and-Hope]

❤️💕💐 @utopia ......

[Former-Member]

Chin up @utopia, youre entitled to a whinge, i used to view the effort required putting up with the lukes of Centrelink, was my way of  earning the money they gave me (weird but settled me), oh, and nwver ever take it personal, to them we literally are a number needing processing. And them to us a means to an end. Save your emotions for real life and just keep swimming. Savour the smallest delight (mine today was coffee on my verandah with warm sun rays touching my feet making me feel loved) smile, breathe deep and trust it will work out. Hand to task, little hobbies. Hold strong. 🌷👣🐾👣🐾👣🐾 not alone 💕

[MissG]

To @utopia and @Former-Member I know that lost feeling all too well and don't have much to say right now except that I believe in you both and admire your courage. I'm sending you luv and hugs and wishing you both wellness and recovery xo

[utopia]

Part 2
Day 1. Arrived at the private hospital at 10am. So very grateful to be here. Feel safe in hospital.
Suicidal thoughts used to be foreign to me. Then last year I got horrible SI ideas and went to Melbourne Clinic.
Then suicidal thoughtz started again - so cMe to hospital 22 days ago. Discharged against my psychiatrist and hospital staffs opinions - coz Workcover knew best.
Tried really hard at home. Went to grow meeting. Went to AA meeting. 23 days today - no drinking. But I still couldn't put the sheets on my bed. I still couldn't seeep the floor, mow thigh high grass, walk the dogs, tske a shower.There was just no momotivation there. I Then centrelink threatening to cut of my pension (even though they still weren't paying me the full amount. Threatening to investigate my gp for fraud - because she accidentally wrote thd word 'permanent' for my diagnosis. Then Workcover - even with me calling and begging them daily - to please approve my SKYPE sessions wigh my psychiatrist - kept tdlling me it's being reviewed. Thdg didn't care shen I said I had no mental health support and needed my psychologist sessions.
Then by Thursday I crashed. My SI was starting to be a number of times a day. Suicidal plans / fantasies were increasing. I felt like it was the only way. Couldn't see any other outcome. But some primitive part of my brsin kept fighting for me. Giving me enedgy to makd another call for help to Workcover to admit me to this hospital.
So I have an initial 14day stay.
I walked in and instantly felt I was safe here. I gave the nurses all my cardigan and dressing gown ties and more. Because the temptation hasn't left me.
I had a big melt down cry with my day nurse. She listened. Slept for 3 or 4 hours. Wandered around. Chain smoked ate dinner. And then - itwas just this scary ffeeling that I didn't know what to do next. I didn't want another smoke. I didn't want to sleep, or walk or stand. I didn't want to do anything - but at the same time, I just didn't know what I should do.
Another crying meltdown with the afternoon nurse. I took my night meds anx 2 calmer prns - stronger than the ones I was discharged with.
There are a number of patients still here from my last visit - including another Workcover patient that had to leave before being ready. So I've had some hugs and welcome home from my old friends here.
The calmers started to work.
Going to take my sleeper medicine in a minute.
So I feel safe here - that I won't try suicide, butthe thoughts aare still strong. I feel worse thsn when I came in last time.
Total devastation. Thoughts thst this is all there is. These thoughts or death. Massive mood swings from numb to angry to devastation.
But I'm here. And I'm safe.
I thank all of you for your messages, advice and support. I'll have to read them again when they make sense. My brain has gone on vacation & just left me and my body here.
I hope to continue a daily post about my feelings or lack of them. But I may not write back to you individually yet. As I said, "my brain has left the building".
I am here. I am safe.