Part 2
Day 6
Second chapter.
Planned to go to a group on anxiety - but was a bit shaky - so thought my best self care would be to give it a miss this time.
But decided later to go to a group called 'If Problems Could Talk'. These Psychologists and social workers love to make up obscure names for their groups. So I had no idea what this one would be about - but thought "bugger it. If it sounds shite, I'll just walk out".
It was about roll playing - where we get to choose an emotion like anger, depression, etc , or we could play the role of a family member or work colleague or even a business.
So I went first & I was the Health Network in my district that I worked for. The facilitator would talk and ask questions of this HN & I would answer as if I was that company.
After a while, we swapped roles and the facilitator became the Health Network and I was me (utopia) again.
Now I got to say how I felt and he answered asmy old HN would. In a nnegative, condescending, blaming me way.
I got to tell the HN what they have done to me and my family - my son.
As you could imagine, I was a blubbering mess. It's amazing how much snot my body can produce. Lol. Sorry, couldn't think of another way of saying that wofd.
Now can you guess what I took away from this experience?
My HN is an organisation. It is not a person. It does not have feelings, morals, values. It is incapable of empathy.
Why? Because it is simply an object. Like a chair, a rug, a mark on the floor.
So I can't have a logical conversation with my HN. I can't expect for them to hear my words and feel my pain, my frustration, my utter devastation. Because it is a non identity.
Wow! I don't need to talk to them anymore. There is no point.
I still have right on my side. They still broke many laws in what they allowed to happen to me. They know it. They know I have the law onmy side. They kknow I will win in court.
I hold the power. I am strong, I am silly, I am opinionated and love a rude joke. I am kind and hate injustice. I am ME. & an OBJECT cannot stop me being ME.
I now feel like I have a clear shield surrounding me. Think the Cone of Silence ( for the Maxwell Smart fans) - but bigger.
Inside this shield - no object - & this also includes WorkCover & CentreLink can touch me. I am protected. I am me. I am strong. I still have a big fight on my hands thst will most likely continue for 3 to 4 more years. But I have right and the law on my side.
Later, I went outside to the smoko courtyard and at the top of my lungs, with my out of tune voice I sang;
"I am woman hear me roar, in numbers too big to ignore .... " Powerful.
Still a rollercoaster of dealing with emotions. But no SI or plans for 4 days now.
Oh and I had a big win with my psychiatrist this morning. I said, "I disagree with something you have told me. Can I tell you?".
Yes. So I explained that I've researched Reactive depression on the UK, US & Australian Pdychistric associations and they all state that Anti depressants can help reactive depression. So I said I would like to stop my current AD and try a new one. His reply? " why not. Lets give it a try". Woo Hoo. WIN!!! He explained cold turkey withdrawal and slower withdrawal, etc. After hearing all the facts I've chosen cold turkey. So no AD this morning. He hopes on day 3 we can commence on the new AD. I want to do this in hospital, where I am surrounded by nurses and support and prns - while I will withdraw.
I know it won't be easy. I've never done it before. But this is the safest place for me to try and see if this helps lift my depression. As even eith my AHA moments, the depression itself has not lifted.
I have a feeling the next few days / weeks my posts might not be as kind or polite. But I know you will all understand if I maybe become a bit short or don't express myself in the nicest way I would normally try to.
I'm thankful I get this chance. And very nervous.
Sweet dreams to all.
