Riding a wave

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Faith-and-Hope @CheerBear I think if we talk about it, it is likely to escalate it more because some of the muddle is tied up in my deepest muddle. I super badly wish my turtle whisperer was here, or @Former-Member or @Former-Member. I'm never going to understand this world. I get in trouble for telling people who I love, that I love them, and I get in trouble for telling people who I don't love, that I don't love them. The social world simply makes no sense to me at all.

[Phoenix_Rising]

I super super super want to die right now, but I know it is just a wave. I am never ever coming onto the forum over the weekend again. @Faith-and-Hope @CheerBear

[CheerBear]

I haven't been here for a few hours as I too have been working through my next post for the adventure @Phoenix_Rising so I have missed what has happened. I can understand the fear of not wanting to say anything "wrong" and can see how it is tricky to work through this stuff here. I also understand how it would be very hard to make sense of how something may seem both "wrong" but not "wrong". I imagine this being a case of if something breaches guidelines then it breaches guidelines, and if it doesn't it doesn't, in your mind (and in many other's too). This seems very grey and I get grey is tricky. 

I am glad you have @Faith-and-Hope offering to work things through with you and I will walk alongside you as you do. Or I can bunker down in the cave as well until it can be worked through somewhere/sometime else. 

Right here but not too

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Phoenix_Rising ..... we who know you understood what you meant .... you have explained to us across time how you aspie brain works, and those of us who care about you (not-friends and acquaintances included) understand what you were saying without takin offence at all.  I can't speak for everyone, of course .... I am using a generality based on the responses we have had as a community across time.

What the mod was referring to, I believe, was social conventions ..... whereby people who haven't received the benefit of the explanations you have offered us in the past .... which likely helps other aspies to express themselves similarly and improve their sense of being heard and understood .... are quite likely to mistake some of what was written in your post as being somewhat hostile ..... because they are used to less direct forms of social communication.

Does that make sense ?  It's not wrong .... it's just confronting to those who are not familiar with a different set of social conventions ....

can you think of it similarly to the use of a dialect ?  A dialect bridges two languages, on a spectrum.  I can elaborate on that if you like.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Faith-and-Hope Do you think the regular SANE moderators would have thought it was bad then, given that they know me super well? Do you think @NikNik would think it was bad? Do you think Zoe would think it was bad? I feel so super muddled. I thought I was being clear, direct, open and honest. The moderator thinks I was being disrespectful and offensive.

@CheerBear I super like that you are working on the DBT adventure while I am working on the DBT adventure and you are also working on using your DBT skills to get through the day and I am using my DBT skills to get through the day. Super together...but not.

[CheerBear]

Totally together but not @Phoenix_Rising 🙂

Ps - I can't say what I think about anything specific because I don't have a specific to go with so it feels a bit funny for me to comment on this, but I want to and hope it is ok to. I can say that you are not 'bad' and nothing you have ever said that I have read has been 'bad'. It may be, as @Faith-and-Hope said, confronting for others to read, but that doesn't mean it is bad. I can feel how confusing the social world is for you when this stuff happens, and can imagine what it might bring up for you. I really appreciate your clear, direct, open and honest communication, as I can see most people who understand you do too. I'm sorry the world is tricky sometimes.

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Phoenix_Rising ....

I have an arty-sciency brain.   I am reluctant to use the term "bad".  I use the term "good", but the opposite of that for me is usually not-so-good.  I see things more as differences, and that it is more about the reactions or consequences or outcomes of decisions and behaviours ....

So my answer is ..... your post was abrupt and very direct, which some people who don't have a connection or relationship with you could read as disrespectful and offensive.  I saw it as clear, direct, open and honest, with the potential to be viewed as disrespectful and offensive, but I knew you didn't mean it that way ..... and I believe wholeheartedly that Zoe wouldn't think you meant it that way either.  If @NikNik thought it ought to be modified to keep your meaning but soften the wording, she would tell you, without thinking of it as "bad".

Does that help, little turtle ?  I hope so.

💕🐢

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Faith-and-Hope I'm so confused. So...did I breach the community guidelines or not??? I'm super glad you agree with me that Zoe wouldn't take offense. That's what I said to the moderator. I told her that Zoe knows me super well and that I was certain she wouldn't be offended.

@CheerBear I might tell you tomorrow what happened. I'm scared of repeating it now in case I get accused of breaching the community guidelines for a second time in the day!!!

I feel so muddled. I can't tell you how many times I've got into trouble over the years for telling people who I love, that I love them. And now I'm in trouble for telling someone who I don't love, that I don't love them!!!!! I can't begin to tell you how much this is hurting my brain and triggering a bazillion muddling memories.

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Phoenix_Rising ..... I read this in a book about language dialects ....

You could walk from Paris to Rome, village by village, and the whole way there the villagers you came across would understand the language sponpken in their village, and the surrounding villages .... but somewhere along the way, you will have moved from French into Italian .....

That principle can be applied to spectrums in general, which includes behaviour spectrums, and communication spectrums.

I hope that has given your aspie brain a concrete example to work from that helps to make it more understandable.

A communication that is so feeble and indirect that it is not heard or understood is at one end of the communications spectrum, and shouting obscenities is probably the opposite extreme .... most of the general public sit at a comfort level that spans across the middle somewhere.  Your very clear, direct communication is towards one end of that span, and the mod is asking that you fit it within the span because it is too confronting as it is,

Does that help ?

[Faith-and-Hope]

I would have to review the guidelines to be able to answer that @Phoenix_Rising..... and even then, I am not a mod to be making that call .... so if they have told you that it is not respectful enough, would you like some help to play around with language to make it more respectful sounding without losing your meaning, and your way of speaking ?

I am on my way out now, but I could help you when I come back if you want.