Riding a wave

[Phoenix_Rising]

Good morning @CheerBear, Your post has super brightened my day. Did you really and truly have that dream last night? That's a super cool dream!!!

Even though it superly duperly sucks that you are feeling wonky today, it is kind-of comforting to know that we are both feeling wonky together, and I super love the fact that the whole pocket crew will be with you today. I love that we can all be together and yet not.

I am very much anticipating that things are not going to go well with the call with (A) today. However, on the bright side, I'm already so depressed and dissociated after yesterday's out-of-the-blue storm, that right now I don't think I have the capacity to be hurt anymore. Yay for brains that switch off to protect themselves. Clever brain!

It is super exciting that our books are zooming their way to us. I wonder what state they will touch down in. I would imagine they will fly to Australia together and then part ways once they are here. I don't know whether parcels travel via plane or truck between states (though like you, I'm pretty sure it isn't via ship ).

I am so very very glad that we are not-friends and that we can be out on the ocean and stuck in the mud and snuggled in a nest all at the same time, together but not.

This day will pass. In my part of the world this day will end in less than 17 hours, and then we will get a brand new one. If we were only seven hours into a day on Venus, we would still have 5825 hours to go until a new day began. Phew, it is a VERY good thing we don't live on Venus!

@Former-Member @Former-Member @Former-Member I am super struggling...but you are right there aren't you and you will ride the waves with me, right? Is @Former-Member around today? I'm not sure if Scout has ever ridden super gigantic waves with me. I'm so super glad that you guys are there. I can do this...even when it super doesn't feel like it.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Owlunar Riding the waves is definitely a super challenge. However, I am a sea turtle so it isn't the same sort of challenge as it would be for an owl. I super love being in the ocean when it is calm, whereas I can see that even a calm ocean would not be so appealing to an owl.

I do fly sometimes you know. Maybe I will see you around the sky.

[CheerBear]

I really and truly did have that dream last night @Phoenix_Rising. Poor Dr Havetodo was in a clear ziplock bag so someone could make sure it was just Dr Havetodo in it. She didn't mind. Dr Havetodo will do what she needs to do even if it makes her feel uncomfortable or awkward for a while. I've been watching prison shows at night (they give me some perspective that maybe I am not as trapped in my life as I feel sometimes - so twisted) and I think this ziplock bag was part of that too with it being a 'suspicious looking package'. In my dream there were planes and ships and books and waves and the weather was really bad. There was also a scrawny but tough looking person who I am guessing was TheVorticon, because the last post I read here was one from the HOYD thread.

I clung on to the posts from you and teej last night before deciding to take some emergency use only medication to help me sleep it off, which I haven't taken for a long time. I'm telling myself that taking it was not a step backwards, it was a conscious step forwards to make sure I could keep on keeping on.

So with all of those things thrown in to the mix, it kind of makes sense that a whole mash of things visited me in my sleep last night. This mash is a welcome change from some of the other mashes that visit me at night.

I can picture the ocean today. I see a huge colourful collection of floaties, swimming creatures, flying creatures, scuba diving equipment, goats and snuggle stuff, with a bunch of real people who really care about you behind it all. I hope you can picture them too, even when you can't see them.

That's probably my last ramble for the day now, with it being right in the middle of fish o'clock. It's now 16 hours until tomorrow is here. We can do this.

[Owlunar]

Hi @Phoenix_Rising

We are all different but seeing as flying is my thing I can bring your mail

Owls can definitely fly over the ocean and drop your mail at your personal cave or wave or wherever with love and care

So your mail can be brought by air

Dec

[Former-Member]

Good morning @Phoenix_Rising, @CheerBear, @Owlunar & @Zoe7

I hope the phone call with (A) goes well and doesnt add to the storm. Do check in with us and let us know how you went.

Yes we are around in the ocean @Phoenix_Rising...were else would we be! Scout isnt around today but I'm sure she would be riding this wave out with you if she could. I'm normally floating around the ocean but decided that today would be a nice day to go for a dive...so I'm swimming around if you need anything...

[Phoenix_Rising]

Yay for a brain that is so broken, it can't actually feel anything!!! I hate me. I am a freak. (A) and I agreed that we will shift our sessions to the phone. If a mental health professional can't sit with me face-to-face in my muddle, how can I ever reasonably expect to be accepted in any workplace??? Is this fixable? Will my turtle whisperer really be able to help me fix my brain enough so that I can manage my big feelings in a way that doesn't completely traumatise everyone around me? Is it actually fixable. Am I actually fixable??? Or is the muddle too deep and too prolonged to ever be fixed now? Will I ever be able to function in a workplace confident that I'm not going to go into crisis, lose my words, have the police called, and end up in a death-by-cop scenario because the police aren't that great at dealing with people in crisis?

I want to give up today. Outside of Forum Land, everywhere I turn the message I consistently hear is "keep away from me." The reality is that no one here in the real world wants me around. The reality is that all anyone wants from me is to stay the hell away from them.

I am a freak. I am demanding and manipulative and utterly selfish and difficult and annoying and exhausting to be with and scary. I am a f*cking irritant. I am a monster. I am f*cking evil. I am a stupid f*cking borderline. I am creepy. I am weird. Fred was right. He was right all along.

I super super super want to die today...but I know it is a feeling and I know that feelings pass. The facts don't change, but the feelings will. At least I'm too depressed and too tired to actually go berserk. How's THAT for a positive reframe.

@Former-Member that is kind-of cool that you decided to go diving today because I have decided to spend the day in my underwater cave (while simultaneously being in @CheerBear's handbag all day). Do you want to sit in my cave with me all day @Former-Member? It has wifi so you can moderate from there. Maybe @Zoe7 will come and visit. Do you remember the way @Zoe7? A thousand miles out from Forum Land, sharp left turn, and then dive alllllllllllllll the way to the bottom of the ocean. I'm going to be playing this song all day in my cave: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aF7yFOlOk9M

Oh and I haven't eagled yet today. I will eagle in my cave. If you eagle @Former-Member I will give you a baby goat. I wonder if @Former-Member eagled last night. She said she was going to.

Super big thank you for sitting with me in my muddle @Former-Member.

[Owlunar]

Aw - your personal world sounds terrible @Phoenix_Rising - no wonder you prefer an under-water cave - or you struggle with massive waves - 

I am so sad you feel the way you feel - which is valid for you - but not sound and I am sure you understand that - and as badly as you feel you need to leave you are also pretty sure you won't

I dunno what to say Phoenix - I hear you though and wish I could help

Dec

[Zoe7]

Oh my superly duperly little sad turtle - I will brave the ocean today and come and sit in your underwater cave with you @Phoenix_Rising 

Keep playing the song little turtle and believe the words you hear. I just had a little cry listening to it again! 

I have to go to my GP appointment very shortly (was going to cancel but really need to go today - I still find it amazing how quickly I/we can 'crash' and often so unexpectedly). I will take that sharp turn left and dive again straight after I finish - I think I may need the security of the underwater cave myself this afternoon 

While I am gone I will have the song in my mind and be thinking of you eagling in your cave.

Maybe when I come back I can make some pictures for you to pin up in the cave 

Watch this space little turtle... I'll be back!!!!

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Owlunar The way I feel IS sound. Let's look at the evidence:

I have had four restraining orders taken out against me.

I have been thrown out of two churches.

I have had several other people threaten legal action if I don't keep away from them.

I've had multiple psychologists terminate contact with me, including therapist-take-seven who told Victims Services she was traumatised from working with me.

I've had a psychiatrist refuse to even meet with me after reading the details of my muddle.

And so the list goes on...and on...and on...

People like me until they get to know me, and then once they get to know me, they don't like me anymore. Thus I have aquaintances (e.g. at my volunteering gig), but that is the extent of my real-life face-to-face social connections. There are seven-and-a-half billion people on this planet and yet not a single one who wants to spend time with me here in the real world. That is not faulty thinking. That is not "the illness talking." That is my objective reality.

I'm sorry that I sound grumpy (I can hear that I do). Thank you for being here on the ocean today @Owlunar

[Phoenix_Rising]

Awwww thanks @Zoe7. I really need to stay off the forum today. I have SO MUCH I need to do. I super love the idea of you making some pictures to hang in the underwater cave. I am going to work super hard to get some things done and then reward myself with a visit back here later.