TW: Trauma and relationships

[creative_writer]

Having a history of SA, romantic relationships make me queasy. The idea of the relationship being central to fulfilling another person’s sexual desire makes me uneasy and makes me feel like an object. There may be people out there who are on the same level as me, but I feel most guys will want more than I’m willing to give. I haven’t ever been in a romantic relationship so I have no idea what’s expected

[Captain24]

Hey @creative_writer 

It’s been a while.

I have no intention of entering a relationship. I don’t care to ever have sex again. I don’t care for them to ‘have their way’ with me. I’m not interested and I don’t even find anyone desirable.

You are not alone. 

I understand that in your situation it is what is expected. I hope you can find some middle ground.

[Glisten]

@creative_writer What do you 🫵🏼 want and need in a relationship?

What are your expectations?

A romantic relationship, is usually a bi-product of a friendship, having mutual friends and interests.

Relationships grow with mutual respect, time and earned trust.

Good quality friendships and a solid circle of friends is what I’m cultivating now.

G

[defaultusername]

Hi @creative_writer,

Thank you very much for sharing, and I am sorry for what has happened to you and how you are still navigating the effects of this today.

I have loved ones who I know are in very similar situations, and I can only imagine how distressing and exhausting it must be.

Do you currently have any supports around you? Or a mental health professional that you see?

As @Captain24 said, you are certainly not alone. And @Glisten makes some wonderful points about how relationships can develop — with mutual respect, time and earned trust.

Perhaps finding some like-minded people whom one can have meaningful and rich connections with (quality not quantity, as they say) is a good place to start, particularly with building confidence. I have found this through volunteering and studying, and it has really built up my level of confidence and self-worth, as well as making me feel more grounded in who I am.

You know yourself better than anyone and will know if and when you are ready to pursue a more intimate relationship, or not! You do you at a pace that suits you best, without any external pressure.

I hope that you find the support that you need and I hope to hear from you again soon.

Take care 🧡

[creative_writer]

@Captain24 I feel like there is this pressure or conforming to relationship standards. I see myself marrying more for companionship than sex. Then I’ve been told if sex isn’t okay in a relationship, a relationship won’t work by my psych. Is it that critical I must reduce myself to an object just to conform. Or maybe I misinterpreted.

@Glisten honestly I just crave companionship and safety because I haven’t been able to get enough of that during my life. That’s all I want right now.

@defaultusername I’m currently approaching the end of my degree, it has been lovely meeting people who are also passionate about helping others. I do have a psych who I see rather infrequently like once a month and a psychiatrist who manages my bipolar medication. I’ve considered joining guided service again, maybe once I’m finished with placement.

[rav3n]

hey @creative_writer that's really interesting that your psych's said that, i can't say i agree with your psych as i know there's asexual communities out there who are able to have romantic and nonromantic relationships without sex.

i see you've mentioned you crave companionship and safety - these are qualities you can find in a partner or even just a friend! whatever it is that you want, the key thing would be communicating it. often the uncertainty of what the other person expects from you (whether that's sex, commitment, etc) is what causes all the anxiety and miscommunications, but when you find someone you want to build something with, having that conversation and setting your boundaries is super important. have you had conversations about your boundaries/expectations in a relationship with others before?

i hear you about the pressure of conforming to society expectations, but what's more important is you're feelings. you gotta do what makes you happy and safe 💗

[Glisten]

@creative_writer humans are meant to cohabitate. We are not meant to be alone.

I would love to cohabitate with a group of retired egalitarian women. Or even house mates with an elderly lady who just wants some company.

As long as they weren’t moody or bat 🦇 crazy.

I want stability, a place to belong. To be valued. I want to be still. I want to share experiences with my grandchildren and create memories with them.

G

[Captain24]

Your psych is wrong @creative_writer. Sex is not everything. It is overrated. To me a relationship involves care, connection and love. That’s the most important. No one should feel like an object. 

It is an expectation to get married and have kids. But that is not ok. People are allowed to make their own choices and be who they want to be. I don’t regret any of it. I think I’m much better on my own anyway. My life is my life, I don’t have to think about anyone else. 

I get the whole cultural aspect for you and understand it’s hard to break free from that. 

After a lot of soul searching, I have recently discover things about me that go against my Christian beliefs. I have had to accept that some things will not be available to me. But that I am still able to be accepted. 

[creative_writer]

rav3n I’ve been sort of ashamed in a way of saying I might be on the ace spectrum, I feel like I just can’t fit the expectations. I have never really been able to find someone who I can be fully open with or feel fully safe with. I’ve been able to place boundaries and communicate when I don’t like physical touch, I don’t always like being hugged. I just don’t answer other people’s questions if I don’t feel like answering them.

@Glisten it’s so hard finding people. I feel distant from most people. Maybe the reason why I crave safety and stability is because I’ve never had it. I’ve just learnt to accept my independent life, it’s lonely but I don’t naturally feel safe with people

[creative_writer]

@Captain24 I think everyone is individual. I can’t realistically have kids right now anyways, I’m on meds for bipolar which can’t be taken and I’m not stable enough yet. I just want to feel loved, cared for and safe. Safety is a big thing for me since I’ve grown up not feeling emotionally safe.

I’ve never really disclosed that I might be ace mostly for cultural reasons.