Am Not Coping

[Zoe7]

Hey @Appleblossom Thanks for dropping in.Haven't really seen you much lately - but then I've been a bit too pre-occupied with myself.

It was nice to have @Phoenix_Rising  drop in for a chat. 

I love the thought of the lotus flower in the mud - now that is an image I can have as a positive image

@utopia and @Faith-and-Hope have both been incredible supports for me lately - sometimes we chat about nothing and other times they help to keep my head above water - either way they have been amazing.

Feel free to drop in anytime and say Hi 

[utopia]

The lotus flower is a perfect image. Like the plant growing in the lock. And like my two plants that just need more time. They will still grow. @Zoe7.
When I'm tired - I'm more likely to have my memory fail - say the wrong things, have an accident, get depressed, have negative self talk etc. Lack of sleep is crippling. I think it's a big trigger /problem for most of us.
And speaking of sleep - I'm off to bed. Eyes are getting heavy.
Sweet dreams friend

[Zoe7]

@utopia I'm not far off bed either. Just going to read a bit more then hopefully nighty night for me!

Have read what you wrote on another thread - won't respond just yet but definitely will when I am more able to give it the justice it deserves (too tired now!)

Sweet dreams to you also - images of lotus flowers to drift off to 

Take care driving tomorrow

Zoe

[Faith-and-Hope]

And I've got wobbly eyeballs .... trying to stay awake ..... 😜

WH's current regimen has put "lunch" at 4pm .... don't even ask .... !! .... and even with a coffee on board, I'm trying to drift off when we have to meet him for "lunch" in 10mins .... grrr .... sigh .....

Patience ... breathe .... roll eyes .... :face_with_rolling_eyes:

Nap will have to wait ....

😳

Pass the toothpicks please ....

[Zoe7]

Toothpicks sent @Faith-and-Hope Splash some cold water on your face and wake up!!!! Don't roll your eyes too much or you'll lose them out of your head lol I must be getting tired - I know I'm getting really silly!!!! I am actually going to bed myself. Don't fall off your feet but - I am tired and - I am OK! Keep your fingers crossed for me that I will be able to sleep for more than a few hours and I won't 'wake' up during the night. Hope the rest of your day is ok and you can have a nap soon.

Talk later

Zoe

[Phoenix_Rising]

Good morning @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope @utopia @Appleblossom , I hope everyone had a peaceful night. I plan to write this and then try to stay off the forum for the rest of the day. Based on past experiences, I know I can become a bit hooked on online places like this forum so I need to make sure this remains a useful tool for me and not something that becomes problematic.

I see you have been talking about me - good to see I've made an impression already

So...triggers... well I wouldn't be so presumptious as to think that any of my story might be helpful to anyone else, but let's see what I can throw out there...

@Faith-and-Hope commented that I experienced a "sudden hypersensitivity" the other day. I wouldn't quite describe it like that. Rather, a core part of who I am is that I am hypersensitive to emotional stimuli. It doesn't come and go, it is me. I have spent most of my life being shamed for being "too sensitive." Then a few years ago, someone said to me in a totally matter of fact way "you're hypersensitive to emotional stimuli." That felt SO much better than being told I was "too sensitive." The way she said it, it was simply a fact rather than a value judgement. She said it in exactly the same way as she might have said "you have blue eyes" or something. It just IS...and it is ok.

I think that phrase has really helped me to get a better sense of what is going on when my big feelings get triggered. It helps me to identify when a situation is beyond my capacity to cope and I can leave the situation without feeling stupid or bad for not coping. It also helps me to remember that most of the time when someone says something that triggers me, they have no intention of hurting me - like the other day This helps me to not explode at the person.

I think the reason I've been struggling so much this week is that my new psychologist (let's call her NP because I'm tired of writing "new psychologist" all the time) triggered me in the session and then threw me out without helping me to get regulated. She just said that "the feelings will pass." That was amazingly unhelpful. I KNOW they will pass...but I have now lost another week SH-ed and generally had a really really tough time when I oh-so-badly want to move forward. I am hoping that we will sort it out tomorrow and NP will have figured out a better way of managing such situations. Sorry, that all sounds like it went off track... the point I was thinking about in my head was that for me it is really important that the people around me "get" just how hypersensitive I am. I accept that most people won't get it. I accept that to most people I will always be "too" sensitive. But having the self-awareness that the hypersensitivity is a core part of me, helps me to go; "This is who I am. If you care about me, you will accept it, if you don't, then go away." And that for me is helpful.

I think having that self-awareness has also helped me to become more aware of the bodily sensations I get when I'm triggered. My big feelings HURT. And incidently, that is true of strong positive emotions as much as strong negative emotions - people seem to think it is only the big negative emotions that hurt. Nope, I find emotions like excitement painful too.

So...the other day, when I read the triggering bit, I felt this intense pain in my tummy. I will feel the physical pain before my brain has time to identify the source of it. This makes sense because big feelings happen in the more primal part our brain - you don't want to have to think too much about running from a grizzly bear, you just run! The pain totally floods my brain...which is why I can't find my words so well when I'm flooded (and why lifeline tend to hang up on me!!!!). So...I feel the pain, and then I know I need to deal with it in a way that doesn't complicate the situation. Ideally, someone is around to sit with me while I do that (yay for Cherrybomb ). That evening I had a very brief email exchange with Cherrybomb and made the plan that I would go and regulate and then write a longer email when I had settled. Just knowing that she was going to be there helped me to settle much quicker than if I'd been all alone. Once I was regulated, then I could use my words to dump out the giant feelings...and then I could just move on

I'm not sure that I'm being remotely helpful here - I feel like I'm rambling!

As to what sorts of things trigger me, let's see... any remote sense of not being heard or not being believed, any sense that someone I have an attachment to is going to leave my world, people hanging up on me, any mention of me "seeking support" from the hospital/calling 000, any remotely angry/authoritarian/loud tone of voice, anyone remotely suggesting that I'm just not trying hard enough, anyone offering simplistic advice when they only know a miniscule part of my story, anyone trying to threaten or shame me out of a dysregulated state...um I think that's all I can think of right now. So, if everybody in forum land can just avoid all those things, that would be great As I said the other day, I know that if I choose to engage with other human beings, then it is inevitable that I am going to get triggered - such is the nature of the beast.

So...I guess to summarize this ridiculously long-winded post, this is how I live with my emotional hypersensitivity:

• I feel the pain in my tummy.
• If my brain is super flooded, I don't worry about trying to figure out WHY I'm feeling it, I just remove myself from the situation and go and regulate.
• When I'm calmer, I will generally write out the experience to dump it (the other night that was with Cherrybomb, NP is also fine with me writing stuff for her).
• Get up, dust myself off, and just keep swimming .

In terms of regulating my big feelings, the tools I use most are:

• Accepting the feeling. It is what it is. It hurts like hell, but trying to fight it will just make it worse. Better to just be still and let it wash over me. For me, this is particularly important when it comes to the waves of SI. I know that it is totally ok to have those feelings. It is ok to really really really want to die. The rule I have is that when I have that feeling, I lie on the floor or on my bed and not get up until the feeling has passed. I know that the feeling is ok. I don't need to fight the feeling, it's just a feeling. I can want to die, I can write out to NP how much I want to die, I can daydream about dying...I just have to do all of that while staying put in bed.
• Writing out the big feelings. I find writing super helpful...but only if I know someone is going to read it. Journelling per se doesn't work for me. I am very grateful that NP seems to value my ridiculously long once-a-week email. So many of my failed therapists of last year treated my writing as an annoying inconvenience. Er...actually, it is a very useful therapeutic tool. Stupid therapists!!!!
• Slow breathing. I'm going to ask NP tomorrow if she will make me a recording of a slow breathing exercise. I think that might help me to feel less abandoned between sessions.
• Listening to calm music.
• Grounding techniques - usually tactile ones like feeling the carpet under me. I also often like focusing on sounds - lots of birds around my way.
• If I have big angry feelings, I will do something physical. I am currently ripping up my back lawn...for no other reason than that it feels really good smashing at the ground with a mattock
• Play my violin. As I mentioned at the feast on Friday, I'm learning the violin. This helps me to feel calm...not so sure it helps my neighbours to feel calm :smileyhappy.

That's all I can think of right now. Again, I have no idea whether any of that is even vaguely helpful to you @Zoe7 but if nothing else, it was so long-winded, reading it will fill up a few minutes of your day I hope you have a restful day.

[Faith-and-Hope]

😊 .... @Phoenix_Rising .... thanks so much for sharing that.

I imagine that will be very helpful for @Zoe7, but she will answer that for herself when she's up and about, I'm sure ....

For me, one of the strongest values of the forums is not feeling as if we're alone, and sharing the core of our experiences gives others something to relate to, or at the very least, develop compassion for.

A page or so ago on this thread I posted a recipe for adult playdough, if you're interested in making some.  It's very tactile, and you can add some courser ingredients, like lavender buds or little beads, if you want to make it even more so.

I'm heading off to bed shortly, in my part of the world.

Catch you later ...

[utopia]

@Phoenix_Rising. Wow. You really know how your body and mind work.
It reminds me of what my psychologist said to me about the future of my mental health.
He said - because I have been 'triggered' before & that led to PTSD - that I am more sensitive to being triggered to that extreme again - & likely by something not as 'intense' as last time.
He explained that my body will react first (just as you said) - on a cellular level. So my heart will race - my muscles tense up - my feeling of not being able to breath etc etc.
But that when this happens - I need to instantly remind myself - that this is a cellularreaction only. And that I can pprevent this from becoming an emotional and overwhelming and possibly PTSD trigger. And to do this.
*I acknowledge that this is my body's natural reaction
*acknowledge that only my body is affected
*breathe and relax - focusing on my breathing for as long as it takes for my body to 'stop' it's reaction
*once the physical symptoms have gone - getting on with my day.
*only later -maybe a day or two - do I go backand rreflect on what occurred.
You wrote similar - but in a more elegant way.
I guess it all means - our body's - our cells have memories. So they will be the first to respond to a 'trigger'. But we can shut that process down.
@Zoe7 I hope this is something that you will learn more of with your psychologist. As with everything - it just takes practice.
I hope you had a good long sleep.

[Zoe7]

@Phoenix_Rising WOW WOW WOW 

Such an amazing insight into yourself and how both your body and mind react to 'triggers'.

I am still trying to work through this myself and you have helped so much in describing in detail what happens for you. I can see some of these things in myself also.

I am not going to write you a long response to each right now as I need to re-read your post a few times to take it all in - your post deserves the respect and thought from me that you yourself put into writing it.

What I can say is - any time you feel those waves crashing over you and need a safe corner of the world to just 'be' - bring your blanket and toy turtle and curl up on the floor making your weird noises here with us. It is a really safe little corner of the world here where we do listen, we do care and we do appreciate what you have to offer.

And we do also tend to write a lot on some occassions - so @Phoenix_Rising you fit right in!

Hope you have a great day today and if you really need to be connected - we are around. Otherwise jump on tonight some time and tell us how you are going.

Thank you so much for your very considered and thought through post - it really has helped 

[Zoe7]

@utopia @Faith-and-Hope

Thank you both for helping me out last night - your insights into what happens for me when I seem to suddenly 'crash' were extremely helpful. There is certainly a lot to still work through and try to be able to recognise myself but it is a start.

Sweet dreams @Faith-and-Hope Hoping for a high sleep tally for you tonight 

@utopia yep - the heart racing , muscle tension, quick shallow breathing - all warning signs.

I did get about 6 hours sleep - and only woke up once - not too distressed and went straight back to sleep 

@utopia I don't think I need to see my psychologist when I have you guys lol