Living with Ourselves

[Sophia1]

twin relationship still in one piece thankfully...she has just returned from her overseas trip and had a fabulous time going back to our birth country....so was lovely reminiscing ....looking at photographs of old school built in 1932...not when we were there laugh...

memories reaffirmed of front door....large gates and courtyard area ...playground of infant school...

she rang today...I asked about mum as she avoided subject when I saw her on sunday...

mum very happy and relieved that we are seeing each other....twin told me was not talking about me to her...something odd as mum gave me what I refer to as the death stare when she saw me enter her room on that fatal day...the day I went to hospital for my major surgery.....so ominous

regardless mum not wanting to have contact with me..resigned to that now...

I reassured twin have no intention of playing one off against the other...will not discuss other than the occasional how is she...not my style...

also stated that will respect mum's wishes...am sad about the fact...am realising ageing coming into the equation and she cannot deal with any upset....did not tell twin that sadly she cannot deal with my mind...never has been able to...that is not going to change now..

I have read of this so often on here...saddens me regardless...what a waste of love...well to my mind is not love....certainly not my type of love which comes without conditions..just don't get it...beyond me..

am going to allow myself to feel the emotion today...am not going to bury any more as I did for such a large part of my life....

this is sadly left me feeling that my small birth family is further dwindling....mum does not speak of "my family member" any more either so I must be banished to the same place...

another twist...in the path of my journey....

[Sophia1]

lhello @CheerBear

a major factor in moving resolved...a good outcome....a huge relief for all of you...

take care xxxx

[Sophia1]

@Zoe7

Immediately thought of the story the emperor's new clothes..

perhaps not in keeping with my honouring my ancestry after all..laugh..

I shall look for another avatar perhaps or perhaps not..

appreciate your efforts and continuing that lightening the mood...

[Zoe7]

I like the avatar you have already @Sophia1 - sometimes we feel like changing things for change sake but I tend to like to keep things pretty much the same - gives me a sense of calm when I know things are where they should be and organised - and yes I am a bit OCD about being organised - great for a teacher but not so great when you are suffering from a mental illness and physically still unable to do much!

[Sophia1]

Thank you @Zoe7

yes you are quite right..

I like the grounding of my avatar.. A strong sense of belonging to a family line..

had reaffirmation of definite rejection from my ageing mum. Today ...I understand the ageing process and her fears..self preservation..

still hurts though..so am feeling that pain today..probably why I jumped at the lightheartedness and the Do I or don't I lighten up the avatar which of course is a representation of me..

so after saying all of that..you helped me realise that yes I want and need the consistency...phew. Our minds !

thank you

so many of us not sleeping ..feeling emotional at present..

can we blame the moon again..I rather like the moon so need to find something else ..

[Zoe7]

Sorry to hear of the reaffirmation of rejection from your mum @Sophia1. Self preservation is such a powerful motive for many of our behaviours but that rejection still hurts 

Our minds often do funny things to us - especially with no or very little sleep  - I can certainly attest to that.

it is the time of the year also - the nights are getting colder and viruses are going around - all combined means those with weaker immune systems are more susceptible to becoming unwell. I have been pretty careful but still managed to get sick again - at least this is an infection that can be fixed with antibiotics.I am hoping to be feeling a lot better in a couple of days but I also know how physically such things can effect me for some time so am not going to push it too far.

[Sophia1]

@Zoe7

fair point re seasonal...colder conditions...darker..

we humans perhaps are trying to hibernate but do not know how..

perhaps needing more self nurturing..cuddling into ourselves from mind and body point of view...

rambling thinking..

having an infection and need for antibiotics not needed..antibiotics can do all sorts of weird things to our systems..rug up..take care..

thank you for taking time out and listening today...much appreciated..

I shall let you be..I can see that you are supporting others too..

take care 

[eth]

Thinking of you @Sophia1 but finding it hard to converse much at the moment.  Hoping you can find peace and acceptance about your mother's attitude.  Grieving is understandable.

[Zoe7]

I enjoy our chats @Sophia1 so no need to 'let me be' - I wouldn't be chatting to you if I felt stretched elsewhere.

I needed the antibiotics for my chest infection and an accidental bite from my sister's dog  - I was playing with him and he mistook my finger for his toy - entirely my fault - I grabbed at the toy when it was near his mouth - I should have known better - still... it could have been much worse than it was. Toby was a bit put out though - he could sense I was in pain and was whining. My sister had to re-assure him that I was okand I gave him a cuddle - he is such a sensitive little puppy dog especially where I am concerned.

I have had pneumonia twice before and am prone to bronchitis - I don't have antibiotics unless absolutely necessary because my immune system is already very weak - my GP doesn't hand antibiotics out without careful care and consideration - this time there was double the reason lol

Happy to keep chatting but if you need a break for yourself then I understand that too.

Take care @Sophia1 

[Sophia1]

Am back over here muttering to myself...

I seem to struggle tagging others when talking about my own issues..

I am better at listening to others and offering support..

@eudemonism you astutely picked this up about me quite some time ago..

I think I was very sensitive at the time...what is new lately?   

I recognise this in myself now..

This is a parallel of how I have survived...worked..brought up two sons..

separated my mind struggles from day to day living....

very successfully....very few people knew..only a few recently..

takes its toll...have to learn to like who you really are in order to be able to be true to self..

my acute recovery stage ..medication weaned..pain manageable..

some confusion..some agitation ..some tears..

I don't think that it has sunk in yet that op has happened....tumour. (I believe unresolved grief wrapped itself around two sections of spine...talk about not letting go..

now I realise. Have next MRI in early August then see neurosugeon following day..then if all ok..rehab starts..then 6 mth  1 year..3 years..

might be back..

have contract on house...full amount advertised fotr..subject to sale of their million dollar property interstellar..she has been headhunter for uni position here..principal of real eate over there believes will easily sell prime 30 acre property an hour from city..

so we might now have 2 months to find a place to rent while new home bein built..

...I should be ecstatic....a few maybes in all of that..

a lot of hard work in all of that..

I have 4 more weeks in acute recovery phase?.

I think that I shall just go to sleep if can

goognight self..