Riding a wave

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CheerBear I have absolutely nothing left to give at the moment. I feel bad because I haven't even asked you how your day has been. I am going to go and snuggle into my bed (and into your pocket) now and once I'm there I will take a wander around Forum Land on my phone and try to catch up on other people's news. You are the most amazing not-friend in the whole entire Universe. I need you to really know how very very important you are to me. There have been many MANY times in the past few months where you have been the reason I have chosen to keep riding the wave. I feel a little afraid that a not-friend can mean so much. I know I need to trust that not-friends aren't like friends and do not disappear. Thank you so much for being my not-friend.

I feel calmer now after having my super GP validate how totally and utterly not ok my current adventure is, and also knowing that I am seeing TTT in 69 hours...and then I will be seeing her again 65 hours after that. I think maybe if I see her twice a week for just a few weeks, we might have a better chance of making a meaningful start to the bailing out of the Titanic. Right now, I think there is only about 3cm of the Titanic visible above the waterline...and still I bail with my teaspoon. I need help. My soul has died and I don't even know what "getting better" looks like anymore. Figuring that bit out with TTT would probably be a good start!

Goodnight my most amazing not-friend. Thank you for believing in the value of one little muddled sea turtle. 

[CheerBear]

I feel all warm and fuzzy and kind of teary (in a good way) after reading that @Phoenix_Rising. Thank you and I understand and want you to know how much you mean to me too. And that sometimes it feels a bit scary for me also, to have people mean lots. We can mean something to each other and be a bit scared of that, together. Trust can be very hard and I truly respect that.

I'm glad you're feeling calmer. I think your plan with TTT sounds like a really good one. I'm so glad it's now less than 69 hours until you see her (as opposed to 69 plus maybe 65 - you challenge my numbers brain 😛 ).

Goodnight my best not-friend in the world. Thank you for being you.

[NikNik]

Here beside you - snorkle and all. Sure, I'm not yellow in this picture... but I promise it's me!!!

[Phoenix_Rising]

Giant wave. Super super giant wave. I do not matter. Anybody can do anything to me and after they have destroyed me, their wellbeing will still be placed ahead of mine. Shhhhh don't tell.
Super big thank you for dropping by the ocean @NikNik. I am super sad that I couldn't make it to FF. I super hope you can be there next week. Surely I will feel at least a bit better after I see TTT next week.
@NikNik seeing you drop by here on the ocean reminds me that I matter to you. I do know I matter a bit...it's just that others matter more, and when a choice needs to be made their wellbeing is valued more than mine - even after they have completely destroyed me.

[Faith-and-Hope]

☔️🐢 .... @Phoenix_Rising 

[CheerBear]

Just a quick not-post to say hi and have been thinking of you lots today @Phoenix_Rising.

That's all.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member my inside was telling me that I needed to come and tell you how much I hear you. I really really really hear you. I can hear without knowing. I truly hear you. That is all. 😊

[Former-Member]

Thank you, @Phoenix_Rising. That means more to me than I can say. I so wish this was a safe space. Surviving is really very hard. 

How can we change our negative core beliefs when the message we are constantly receiving from everywhere is that we are worth so much less than others and that our experiences are not valid?  (Rhetorical, obviously.)

And why do “helping” people and spaces perpetuate stigma?  (Sorry to sook.)

Thank you, @Phoenix_Rising. I truly cannot thank you enough for being you. 🌷🐢 (If we ever figure out this cloning business, I think we should clone you, too … the world would be a much better place with more super great sea turtles.) 

I’m sorry the world is so backwards and so very muddled and muddle-causing. You deserve so much better. I’m glad TTT had a cancellation so you can see her sooner. Alone is hard when the muddles are so big. 

P.S. Hi @CheerBear. Sorry today was an extra-tough one.  Thank you for being you, too. 💚 (And yep, I’m popping you in the cloning machine as well).

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Former-Member,

I am really sad to hear that Forum Land still feels unsafe for you. I know how very very important a sense of safety is. 

I so very badly wish I could clone TTT for you. I feel bad talking about her awesomeness, although as @CheerBear said, maybe it can give that glimmer of hope that there ARE helpful helping people out there - they are just painfully few and far between and thus you generally need to go through quite a few brain-mushing ones before you find a good one. 

I know you asked your question rhetorically. I have the same question. I have no idea how my current not-of-my-choosing adventure can be playing out in the way that it is. I do believe in the fundamental goodness of the people involved, but seriously, on what planet could it ever be ok to ask me to do something that was in the best interests of the person who caused harm while causing further distress to me??? What possible thought process could have led them to make that request of me??? I know they are now trying to think up another solution, but nothing in the world can ever change the fact that they put the wellbeing of the one who caused me harm ahead of my wellbeing. Nothing can ever ever change that. So no, I don't have the slightest idea how we can change our negative core beliefs when the message we are constantly receiving from everywhere is that we are worth so much less than others.  The only way I can make meaning out of it @Former-Member is in knowing that it is only because I have experienced what I have experienced, that I can truly hear you and others in similar positions, without needing to know. 

As for cloning me, @Former-Member, given I seem to have a great talent for causing utter chaos wherever I go, methinks there would be a lot of people who would shudder at the mere thought of there being more than one of me!  Now @CheerBear on the other hand, yes we could definitely clone CheerBear. Then when one of her ended up wandering around pyramids when she got lost on her way to the corner store, we could just produce another one of her! 

[Former-Member]

My sad is so so big and dark and heavy, @Phoenix_Rising. But I love hearing about TTT and how awesome she is. Please don’t ever feel bad for talking about her awesomeness. It really does give me hope that helpful helping people actually do exist. It really does help me to not give up entirely. And I feel so relieved/glad/happy for you because I know how much potential there is for the two of you to make real unmuddling/healing progress and what that could/would/will mean for you.

The thought of one @CheerBear trying to help another CheerBear become un-lost made me smile. 🦄🦄🐐 Then I thought about one little sea turtle helping another little sea turtle find the right suburb and that made me smile, too. 🐢🐢 I’m definitely sticking with my plan to clone you. 😊

You and @CheerBear and @Zoe7 are the only reasons I haven’t left Forum Land entirely. The place is shaky, the rules are shaky, and I feel so ‘othered’ and invalidated in real life that I don’t need it here (where my ‘otherness’ and lived experience should mean inclusion). I am so grateful for the connections I do feel here, so it makes me even more sad that I can’t really be here.

P.S. I was reading about therapeutic parenting on the website you posted the link to the other day and it made me cry (in a ‘yes! this!’ kind of way). I’m trying really really hard to believe that healing is possible and that I will be able to find a helpful helping person to help me. The things you share (info and experiences/thoughts/feelings) are so validating. Thank you, @Phoenix_Rising. 

P.P.S. Your current not-of-your-choosing adventure is so very not okay and I am so sorry it happened/is happening to you. I’m so sorry someone thought it was in any way a good idea.