Far and Away

[Zoe7]

Just dozed off for a little while there @Owlunar Awake now (obviously or I wouldn't be writing anything )

I can certainly understand you needing to get out some of your anger - and what better place to yell and let it out than the footy 

Crumbed cutlets and salad - sounds like a perfect Sunday afternoon meal. I'm going to try and make a salad for myself too - just takes me a little while (and a few rests in between) - and then very slow to eat. As soon as I start feeling sick I have to stop otherwise the pain gets too much! 

The wind has started up here again today. There was some respite from it early this morning. It was quite bad last night so of course I didn't have a good night. I hope it stops before dark today as I don't think I'll be able to get any sleep tonight seeing as my anxiety is already high now. I am trying not to take the extra meds I have for times like these - as I don't want to become too reliant on them - but atm I am feeling like I may need them to at least be able to get through enough to watch the football later this afternoon. It may only be a little thing (watching the football) but it is something that I do enjoy - and there are not that many things in my life I do enjoy - I'm sure you can understand that.

I hope you enjoy your crumbed cutlets, and you do make some cookies.

Zoe

[Owlunar]

Like you @Zoe7 - I rest between chores - and I did a large load of washing and I am hanging this in my lounge rather than making extra work for myself by hanging it outside and then bringing it in again

That wind we had yesterday was from the North West so you probably had the same wind - I don't know what part of Tassie you live in but usually on the radar map from Melbourne I can see the weather in Tassie but the radar in Melbourne was down last night - that was when we had the wind change and the sky got cloudy around evening

But still - I was reading late in the afternoon and noticed that although I had the bedlamp on to read it was still not dark outside at 5.30pm - so the days are stretching out a bit

I will have to get to those cookies next I think or if I sit down to eat I may not do it - I think I planned too much for myself today - but let's see

Keep your energy for the things you enjoy when there are so few of them - yes - I do understand that - I have been living around chronic pain for a long time and doing things in bitznpiecez and saving my energy is one thing I really understand

Dec

[Zoe7]

I'm in the south of the state @Owlunar 

The days are streching out a bit now which is so good for me. It means now that I am taking my 'dinner' meds in daylight before the anxiety of the nightime comes. When it was already dark when I was taking them my anxiety was alerady high and that often lead to me not sleeping at all and I couldn't take them any earlier when it was dark earlier because I would wake in the middle of the night - and that is the time when I am most unsafe - dark, on my own, scared, nightmares, etc.

I see my psychiatrist this Thursday and we really need to find a way to get on top of this sleep thing because although I am getting more sleep than I ever have - I am still having the nightmares - and most mornings I still wake not knowing what is real or what has been a dream. It does leave me in a constant state of fear and feeds into my physical pain - it really is a very vicious cycle.

[Owlunar]

My Astronomy book gives me the times of sunrise and sunset in Hobart @Zoe7 - without looking I know that once the sun starts setting earlier the days start stretching out quickly - this is a good thing for you

I do remember in my past that sunset was a bad time for me - being alone with two children was so scary - I do forget but when I am reminded of those years when my then-h was away every second week working and I was burning out fast - not good - I do understand what you are saying

About your nightmares - I used to get them - a couple were recurring and while I was in a private clinic once I was asked to rewrite the endings and that did help - I have learned to recognise the two as dreams and wake myself up now and I have less trouble

I have strong medication for pain - I changed one of my tablets to a similar preparation for other reasons but I stopped having night-terrors - do you have these - I would wake up from a deep sleep and seems to spin out of it with a lot of noise - and feel terrible and not know what I was dreaming - are you having this kind of experience?

I do understand about dreams - sometimes I have an unpleasant dream - not so many nightmares - I can assure you that this will pass as you work though everything but that is not easy - I really do hear what you are saying

Do you remember your dreams and nightmares? - are they recurring? Do you know anything about dream analysis

That time of not knowing what is real and what is the dream - that is horrible - and yes - your anxiety feeds your stress and your stress feeds your anxiety - I understand this

Dec

[Zoe7]

The nightmares used to be pretty much the same every night @Owlunar Now they are not as 'violent' but more than one 'event' is being mixed together. It is very 'confusing' and leaves me with a 'different' kind of fear. I can't go into details here but let's say I am 'reliving' things in a different way - and it makes the daytime hard as well as my mind seems really confused for some time afterwards.

I have been having similar nightmares for most of my life - that is one of the reasons I don't like to sleep. I used to be able to get through them by working long hours and as such not having much time to be asleep. Now that I am not working (and am so physically unwell) there is far too much time to 'think' and that has definitely had a huge affect on my MI. I know that I was burning out in my job anyway with the amount I used to do - and it definitely was not sustainable - this is likely why I am still so unwell nearly a year later- but what I used to do did keep me from having to deal with all my 'issues'. I was literally numb to feelings for so long - and I really do wish I was back there again so I wouldn't be feeling so much now.

[Owlunar]

It sounds as if you are damned if you do and damned if you don't @Zoe7

When you were working you were numb to your situation and now you rethink and rethink and this must be horribly confusing - there are times when I feel as if I am thinking to much about something - it really does make the other more productive thoughts harder to maintain

Without going into it there was a time when my children were young when I was burning out fast and sometimes I wonder how much was a real event and sometimes wonder if I dreamed it - but I know I could not make up what my son was doing - that was a nightmare I do not want to relive - but I have - in the past

So without knowing a whole bunch of details I have an idea of what you are going through and that is really hard and I care about it

You are alone with your little dog in a cold environment - I know Tassie pretty well - having rellies there I have visited often - and even been there for holidays alone - it must be really hard during winter there

I hope writing about it - even without going into details - helps

Dec

[Zoe7]

Writing sometimes helps @Owlunar then sometimes I can't get words out properly and that is very frustrating 

Yes winter here is always pretty cold and where I work even colder - but I used to leave home before 7 and often wouldn't get home to 9 or 10 so I didn't feel it as much. Since I have had Toby I was coming home much earlier and leaving as late as I could from home in the morning. I used to take him to work with me on weekends - which was good because I would be the only one there and he would play with his toys or sleep. He really is such a good little puppy dog. I would catch up with tv shows on the 'big screen' in the classroom while working and it was always warm.

Now to be honest I don't know how I did it for so long - and I really don't know if I can ever go back!

[Zoe7]

@Faith-and-Hope I hope your day has been filled with joy and light. Love you Hon 

@Owlunar I hope you have managed to do some cooking and found some peace today also 

Goodnight my friends xxx

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Zoe7 .... 🤗💕

It was a good day over all ..... I had a couple of cooking disasters - not one, but two, of course .... but I worked around them and managed.

I am tired now, but it's earlish yet, and I am taking a break before starting the big clean-up.  D2 is helping me by loading tha dishwasher.  I will come through afterwards and sort the rest .....

Till then ... I'm here .... 👋

[Zoe7]

@Faith-and-Hope