I so wish I could send you Dr Havetodo for moments like this @Phoenix_Rising. The next best thing I can do is to let you know that I've just arrived home from our shopping adventure and everyone is snuggled close but not too close, safe and ok.
I really like that you can come shopping too. I feel a lot less crazy riding around with the company of a turtle
You're doing a great job staying alive. I'm a million percent sure you've got this.
Happy yoga day to you too.
@CheerBear I feel like I have been totally squashed by a bus...and yet I giggled at your comment about how riding around with a turtle makes you feel less crazy. I am so superly duperly glad I have a not-friend to ride around with.
So...I saw (A) this morning. There is a bit of gradual transitioning that is happening as I make the shift from A to M, hence why I am still seeing her. After today's session, the gradual transition may end up being a bit less gradual!!!!
Hmmm...I was about to pour out the story, but I actually don't think I have the energy to do so. It's just a muddle, a super gigantic painful nothing-has-changed-in-twenty-years muddle. Right now it doesn't even feel like turtle whisperer M can help me unmuddle this muddle. I know that's just a feeling...but then, more objectively, however you look at it we are probably not going to fix the muddle tomorrow are we. Or in next week's session, or the one after that, or the one after that, or even the one after that.
Sometimes I get scared about what an unmuddled Phoenix_Rising even looks like. Sometimes particular situations seem to hit me in the face with the realisation that a whole lot of my muddle is likely due more to me being aspie than it is due to me having BPD. And no amount of therapy in the world is going to change my brain from being aspie to being neurotypical. So...what does a Phoenix_Rising who is "better" look like? I have a horrible feeling that even if every tiny trace of BPD-related muddle could be removed from my brain, I would still spend a large proportion of my life saying "I don't understand" when something that someone says today contradicts something else that was previously said such that the rules of the social situation or whatever simply make no sense to me.
Anyway, I'm going to go and snuggle in my bed and try to sleep off the big feelings. I feel super frustrated because I had a whole lot of things I wanted to do today and yet once again it has all narrowed to Operation Stay Alive. 
Hi @Vanessa5, Welcome to Forum Land. It is nice to see you out here on the ocean. 
Yep, I have a LOT of issues with the MH system. Most of my muddle now is related to my experiences in it, rather than the stuff that brought me into contact with it in the first place. I'm not sure how far you read back on this thread, but I have just started with my twelfth therapist in 18 months. I am hopeful that this is a positive turning point in my life, but the mess is definitely a heck of a lot deeper than it was when I started with therapist-take-one almost two years ago.
I like the smiling mind app and I agree that mindfulness is super helpful. I find it odd when people say they've tried mindfulness and it hasn't helped because as you say, it is technically impossible to feel anxious if you are fully focused on the present moment. I think because mindfulness is the "in" thing in psychology at the moment, it isn't always explained or implemented as well as it might be.
The other problem I see arising more and more is that mindfulness is being spruiked as "the" solution. It isn't. It will super help deal with the present moment, but in and of itself it won't actually fix some things. For example, I have heard of people being told to mindfully accept their current state of homelessness rather than being provided with instrumental support to find accommodation. That is not helpful.
Thank you for your offer of a panda hug. I understand that to be an expression of care and I super appreciate that. However, I have an extremely complex relationship with the concept of physical touch and thus I am very selective about who I let touch me. @Former-Member is on my notably short list of safe-touching people. She seems to be able to morph herself from a moon into a sea turtle at times and thus comes by the ocean to give me a tiny turtle hug.
Pandas are super cute. We have an owl in Forum Land you know. Hey @Owlunar, @Vanessa5 here super likes owls.
I hope your week has started well @Vanessa5 and I look forward to seeing you around in Forum Land.
It is only half an hour until I need to head out to my yoga class and I still feel like I've been squished by a bus. I super badly want to go but I keep getting swamped with waves of suicidal ideation and normally my rule then is to not get in the car. Grrrrrrrrrrr... it is only a ten minute drive. And I will almost certainly feel better for going...
I'm also self-conscious because during the storm this morning I managed to put some extremely noticable scratch marks down the side of my face. But I don't talk to anyone at the class. But then they do have mirrors all round the room. Grrrrrrrrr... FRUSTRATED!
I think I will go. Methinks this is what you call a conflicted turtle. Thank you for listening.
Thanks for dropping by the ocean today @CheerBear and @soul. I made it to my yoga class but now I have crashed again. Today is hard. It's about twelve hours since the storm started and the waves of suicidal ideation keep on washing over me. Right now I can't see a reason to keep on keeping on...but I know it will pass. My brain is so totally scrambled again. I am seeing M tomorrow morning. That isn't very long to hang on for. I'm about to go to bed and I will take some only-in-emergencies medication. Then when I wake up in the morning it will only be a tiny time until I see M. I can do this. I've done this lots of times. And now I have M to help me unmuddle my muddle...even if it is going to take about a trillion years. Today has been horrendous. I'm super glad I don't live on Venus!
@CheerBear can I please sleep in your pocket tonight with Dr Havetodo, Squishy and Mr Seahorse? I really thought last week that I'd moved passed needing to snuggle in your pocket anymore but alas, another storm has descended upon the ocean.
Who is watching over the ocean tonight @Former-Member???
My brain is so scrambled. I super hope M can help unscramble at least today's muddle, when I see her tomorrow. I feel scared that she is going to dump me as the muddleness of the muddle unfolds.
Good night Forum Land.
