Riding a wave

[Phoenix_Rising]

Super big thank you for your picture @Maggie. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

The waves are SO HUGE now. 

I do not matter,

I'm only one person,

Destroy me completely,

Then throw me away.

Shhhhh don't tell. 

@CheerBear I am guessing that your day may be dawning as dark as mine as we sit together-but-not in the wrongness of the wrong. I know without knowing. Right now the whole world seems so very very dark and so very very scary and the sense of being utterly utterly utterly alone is overwhelming. We are together-but-not. Take me out of your pocket or your bag or wherever I am right now and hold me in your hand. You see? I'm right there. I am right there with you. I'm right there with you - both for your sake and mine. Things are really really really hard right now, and right now, I don't know the way forward. It is so dark and so scary. But we have been in this space before. We have survived this before. It's hard. It's so so SO hard, and it shouldn't be. It is not ok. Things like this should not happen. Things that cause harm to others should not happen. But it is happening and that is out of our control. It is what it is. And so we will ride it out - together but not. 

TTT talked the other day about how super important it is to stay within the window of tolerance in order to fix broken brains. I get the sense that like me, you may be so far out of your window of tolerance right now that you don't even know where the window is. What is happening right now is not ok. It is super giant brain mushing stuff. It is crushing and heartbreaking to see how painstakingly taken tiny baby steps forward in brain fixing can be squashed in an instant. It's so so so wrong...but it is what it is...and so we will ride it out - together but not. 

I don't anticipate being around here much today and I'm guessing it may be the same for you. I have nothing left to give right now. Operation just-stay-alive is very much in full swing here. We are together but not. We are here even when we are not. Schrodinger had a cat, you have a turtle. We've got this. 

[CheerBear]

You get it @Phoenix_Rising and you can hear me. My window went missing when the paper did. Yesterday I went from clinging on to some kind of 'try to feel like I've got this', to 'this has very much got me'. My GP wrote a letter which has my fears in it, stating that they are real and justified. It ends in cautionary words about how they all know what can happen in cases like this. While it felt validating, I worry about those words and what they say about how much I, or anyone, can really ever do to stop what can happen in cases like this. It feels like everyone knows and the best anyone can do when everything else has been done, is stand by with crossed fingers. You heard me say that yesterday.

I can hear you too, and as you say, it comes from a place of having experienced my own version of it. I feel how dark and scary the world is at times and how stuck and lost we can get when the way forward can't be seen. I feel the pain of having been really hurt and having very wrong happen. I feel how incredibly difficult it is to live without being able to control what harms us. I feel the heartbreak of painful, slow, almost-impossible feeling steps being taken in a forward way, only to have things happen that can send us flying back. I get how soul destroying and brain mushing it all is to sit in the place that is back there, and wonder if there's enough inside to even get up again, let alone try to move.

It's not ok for harm to happen and it's so, so wrong. I am with you with that.

I will carry you in my pocket and hold you in my hand. I will hear your words of we've got this when it feels like I don't, and I will remind you of them too. While you carry out operation just-stay-alive today, I will carry out operation in-this-moment-you-are-safe and try very hard not to get frustrated that right now, moment-by-moment is where I am. I need some fish time to help my hurting soul so I am going to try really hard to "be" in that today. They want to visit water and I have a feeling water, fish and turtles are a good match. I also have a feeling my fish like you a lot. They can be great soul medicine and I hope you can feel some of that through my pocket today. We can do today, and the days after today, together-but-not and one day we will change the world (even though right now that seems so far away for me) because we have visited parts of it that are so dark and so scary and so wrong, where so much unnecessary harm is caused.

Hearing you and with you.

[CheerBear]

I had a chance to finish this off while they're watching a movie and wanted to bring it here for you for today Phoenix_Rising 

Her pokey outey belly makes me smile

I hope your appointment with TTT goes/is going/has gone as well as the others you've had with her. 

Got this 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @CheerBear,

I super super SUPER like your baby dragon. I haven't practiced my crocheting today yet, but I will this evening. How has your day been? Mine started off so very VERY badly, but TTT helped me get back into my window and then another helping person helped some more too. I so super badly hope you can find your way back into your window too. This is my new mission - to avoid falling out of my window because staying inside the window of tolerance is super important for brain fixing. 

Guess what, CheerBear? TTT and I were talking about how superly duperly important Forum Land and you in particular are to me. As part of that, I showed her my post to you this morning and your response to me. When she read your response she said  "wow, CheerBear has a lot going on at the moment too." I so very badly wish I could share TTT with you ChearBear, and I thought maybe it would be a tinsy tiny bit like sharing her, to let you know she said that and that she could hear you without hearing and know without knowing. 

Just like TTT promised, we started the session with her reading some of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to me. I snuggled on the floor under the weighted blanket with turtle and TTT's teddy bear and weighted toy. And then after that, TTT put on an ocean waves white noise youtube thing that then played for the entire session while we talked about the current brain mushing soul destroying so wrong thing. I only had to plank once during the session...and I got lots of good job's for not SHing when I superly duperly badly wanted to. TTT said that every time I don't SH when I super want to, it helps fix my brain a tinsy tiny bit. We are specifically focusing on that form of SH that is more common to ASD than to BPD. 

I felt much better after my session with TTT. She super validated how wrong the wrongness is and that superly duperly helped. And then the other helping person helped some more by coming up with a plan B that is much less wrong than plan A. Plan B is going to take a little bit of time to sort out, but having plan B has superly duperly helped to calm all the super gigantic I-don't-matter feelings and the ickiness of keeping secrets. TTT told me today that she will never ask me to keep secret anything she says to me or anything that happens in our sessions. We talked about how she is obligated to keep confidential anything I say, but I am in no way obligated to keep confidential anything she says. That super helped me to feel safe.  

Um...I think that's it. I superly duperly like how TTT keeps shifting what we do during the session. If something isn't working, she just tries something else. Today I drew a picture and I also picked out what big feelings I was having from a pack of feelings cards. It's like...she simply won't let things escalate. Being helped back into my window of tolerance feels so so SO much more ok than being pushed out of it. She superly duperly gets the whole co-regulation thing, CheerBear. She knows I can't do it by myself so well right now, so we do it together and that will help me to learn how to do it by myself. This feels so much better than being left to flounder in utter chaos. 

I super hope your day improved, CheerBear. I know the reality of your situation won't have changed and I know that the scared feelings you have around that are totally valid. I'm super glad your GP was able to validate that your feelings are real and justified even though seeing those words is scary in itself. 

I super hope you were able to have fun LF time. You are right that water, LF and turtles go super well together. Your LF definitely do brighten my day. 

We are doing great at doing today, CheerBear...and today is all we need to do today. Right now, in this moment, you are safe. It should not be this hard. It is not ok for harm to happen and it's so so wrong. But it is what it is, and you've got this. WE'VE got this. 

[CheerBear]

Hi @Phoenix_Rising I got so many feels reading your post. I had goosebumps when I read about your moment of sharing TTT with me. Thank you so, so much. I feel so happy for you that you have her and I am really truly impressed by her approach. You worked so hard to find her and that's a huge go you for getting there. I'm really glad you're feeling better after having seen her. 

My day was hard again but I had a great couple of hours when the fish, you and I went to the beach. That was definitely my highlight. It took everything I had to get us there and it was worth it. I took some photos of the fish and then they went and played in the water so I took this one for you. 

It was a funny timing one as I was taking it when your post came through. I wish we were there again. It was so nice. 

Unfortunately my not-good but had a good couple of hours day, took another turn when I chose to answer the phone as we were leaving the beach and had an incredibly unhelpful call from my psych, who didn't seem to understand that my window of tolerance went completely missing yesterday and I still haven't found it. It was about me meeting the psychiatrist, which is supposed to be happening on Monday morning. The conversation didn't go well at all and now I am feeling very not-ok again. For that to have happened in the evening of the eve of a public holiday weekend when everyone is gone, is... I have a feeling you understand. I feel so sick and so shaky and so scared (of everything) and I am not sure how I am going to do this. I don't get how it can hurt to try and find what helps. It feels like a massive kick while I am down and I definitely did not need that tonight. It feels a bit like too much tonight.

I am going to take myself off the forum before I say anymore and regret it, and I'll go back to sitting quietly knowing you can hear me even when I can't say what I really want to say. 

Biggest thank you for being my not-friend. Right now, I really need a not-friend who gets it and is here when I am not and when they are not too, and I really appreciate that you are you. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @CheerBear,

I am sitting here face palming so much at your psychologist!!!!! Getting hit by a bus in the evening on the eve of a long weekend is so so SO not ok!!!!!! And not hearing that your window of tolerance is missing is super not ok either! Right now it looks absurdly like TTT could see how much your window of tolerance is missing more than your psychologist could - ugh!!!!! I so VERY badly wish I could send her to you!

Today is Thursday. All we need to deal with on Thursday is Thursday. On Monday we will deal with Monday - together but not. I remember you chose the non-teddy bear psychiatrist. I guess this means the teddy bear psychiatrist is still waiting in reserve if things go less-than-ideally.

You will never guess what just happened, CheerBear. I just got hit by a bus via email. Ugh!!!!!!! Buses in the evening on the eve of a long weekend REALLY suck!!! Oh well, at least we are together-but-not in our squishedness!!! Anyway, my brain is so fried I actually don't have any space left in it to deal with that bus so I'm just letting it go for the moment. Clever brain for knowing when it is overloaded!!!

It has now taken me so long to write this post, your picture is probably up by now! I super love that we went to the beach today together-but-not. 

Super giant biggest thank you for being my not-friend too. I too really need a not-friend who gets it and is here when I am not and when they are not too. I hear you CheerBear. Buses on the evening of the eve of a long weekend are not ok. Psychologists who don't understand about windows are not ok. The wrongness of wrongs is not ok. None of it is ok...but you and I are both safe right now...and right now is all we need to deal with. Less than three hours until this tricky day is over and then we get a brand new one. Thank goodness we don't live on Venus. Goodnight CheerBear. We've got this. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Ps. @CheerBear I just saw the picture of me at the beach. Yep, definitely saving that one on my computer!!! 

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member,

I see you are meandering around Forum Land tonight. I super like seeing you around. Thank you for watching over the ocean tonight. It is still very rough, but not nearly as rough as last night. 

[Former-Member]

Hey @Phoenix_Rising, yes, as usual I'm quietly meandering around the Forums. I'm glad that your ocean is a little less rough than last night. I will continue to watch over it tonight 🙂